Q&A (three letters away from t&a)

Someone asked me why I dedicate so much time to Xanga. I do best in an environment where I meet and deal with people. For the most part, I think I do a great job. I am proud of my little xanga site here, though I try be humble about its success when people mention it. I might provide the entertainment, but all of you are the ones who have provided me with a community of friends that expands and grows everyday.

New Seasons During Spring

A lot of time has been spent recently getting to know the ever wonderful Autumn better. She is an amazing person, and it is great to finally get to know her. She is slowly learning I am crazy… for instance, I spent a good three minutes in the Kerr Drummond Lobby, spinning in circles, and quietly singing John Jacob Jingle Himmer Schmitt (which was recently named England’s new national anthem).

Hey, it was better than simply sitting on the couch while she talked to Jules. Besides, I’ve discovered that if I spin in circles with my fingers in my ears I don’t get dizzy. Which is good because other wise I’d have stopped and immediately started puking everywhere. Try it.

I spend most of my day remembering the sentence “If this isn’t wonderful, what is?”

“To Open the Door, Turn to Page 51.”

We all know highway driving is boring. But do you remember what was exciting? Exactly! The Make Your Own Adventure Books we all read in fifth grade. You know the kind where you were a ninja -even better was a Ninja Cyborg - (a baby sister, accountant, or some equally interesting profession) and turned to different pages to follow differnt paths (and you always died no matter how hard you tried).

I propose we replace all the highway signs out there that look like this…

With ones that look like this…

If you wanted a really adult story then you would simply take toll roads.

Pointless Grades

Ever wonder what the point of an F+ is? As though you’ve ever gotten a failing paper and had it made better by the fact that you failed with honors. Or afterwards said…
“Wooo… that was close. For a second I thought I’d really failed it.”

Or as if you and a friend both failed a test, and you turned and said…
“Oh, you got a 50. Well, I made a 59, which is a F+. You should study harder.”

Everything Is Blowing Up

In high school our math teacher Mr. Jantz was always telling us ways to improve our memories. One of them was to picture things exploding. If you needed to remember to defrost hamburger, then picture the refridgerator freezer blowing up. Next time you’d see it, it would explode in your mind a voila. You remember.

The method worked for a while, until I started to do it with everything. Pretty soon I when I walked into a room everything around me was exploding and I was not rememering what the hell any of it was for. For three weeks I thought someone was trying to assassinate me.

It took years of shell shock recovery therapy to overcome the condition.A simpler and less nerve racking solution is Post-It notes.

Like most Americans, I am my alarm clock’s bitch. Sometimes I stick it to my alarm clock… I hit the snooze button, like you would a spouse, but with less love. It is my way of showing who is still “The Man“. If you’ve ever hit the snooze button, then that makes you an official member of the PopeOnABomb’s Cult of the Snooze Button.

I could sleep on the end of a runway and the planes wouldn’t wake me up, even if they did barrel rolls and I could hear all the screaming passengers. In order to assure I wake up promptly in the morning, I bought a special alarm clock from the Los Alamos Nuclear Laboratory. It has a button on it with this picture…

It is loud. And if I don’t get out of my bed within fifteen minutes I get radiation sickness.

I didn’t have correct change for a vending machine, which made me think: if we still used the barter system vending machines would accept chickens and eggs. Perhaps legal tender should be changed to Chickens. This would be more convenient because if something cost two eggs and you only had one, well… wait fifteen minutes (or however long) and :blop: your chicken drops out the other egg you need.

An added bonus is that it would be easier to spot counterfeit bills too, because they’d look like this…

“Shut up…. Keanu is talking!”

People who talk throughout an entire movie, and then constantly ask what is going on because they missed out on the plot twist, and people who explain the obvious reasons behind actions in movies (as though you couldn’t follow the plot of Gilgi) have one thing in common: both should have their mouths duct taped.

Movies I’ve seen lately: Reservoir Dogs (again), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Lost in Translation (again), and Spellbound. Spellbound is an interesting documentary on young school kids participating in the National Spelling Bee Championship. In a round about, and more accurate, way it is about young school kids who have no upper body strength or motor coordination and get their lunch money taken a lot.

Joint Venture Company

I’m starting Good Samaritan Mugging Incorporation. It is a business based on doing good things for people. For instance, I’ll run up, tackle you, and brush your teeth. You’ll feel a little violated, but clean with minty fresh breath. Or I’ll demand your wallet, and then I’ll put $20 in it and return your wallet. Once I build a good client base, if times get tough I’ll simply run off with the wallet.

Dental Advice for the Stingy

I’m not going to by Crest Whitening strips until I only have one tooth left. It will be more economical because each whitening strip will last much longer. That tooth will shine like a solar panel on a cheap NASA rover.

On a side note, my personal life has been extremely busy over the past three weeks. Studio Project 2 was due, then a Wedding, then Spring Break, then Studio Project 3 (which was only one week), my sister coming home for her spring break, me going home to see her while she is on her spring break, and lots of hanging out with a friend. However, this week brings me back to normality, most posts, and finally some prop love back for the past 90 some comments I’ve recieved but haven’t been able to recipricate to.

Spring Break

Spring Break was spent skiing for three days in the wonderful town of Taos. Thankfully, Spring Break did not involve the breaking of bones of us or others from collisions into skiers or immovable things, such as boulders, elderly, trees, or the democrats humping the trees. Taos is interesting… a town built for tourism. However, they forgot tourists drive cars. Parking in Taos is about as common as a pregnant lesbian nun, and even tighter.

“Even tighter” happens to be the same distance Alan prefers to drive behind other vehicles. New Mexico, on a good day, has a grand total of two cars on all its road. Alan will find that car and drive exactly two inches from it.

While on the subject of driving, I hate semis with Shark Teeth decals on the grill. As if their sheer size and momentum wasn’t enough. Now it looks like they are trying to run into you.

Really Big Rocks

The drive to Taos from the nearby town of Cimarron is considered the most scenic drive in America. It is full of gorgeous mount cliffs (pictured above). Until we got to the scenic part of the drive everything looked like this…

That is right, it all looked liked two handsome OSU guys. Which really bores this snot out of any heterosexual males. However, I saw everything, including the Fort Supply Mental Penitentiary (pictured below), surrounded by the flora of the island of Fiji, thanks to my Pope-Patented “FIJI Vision!”

Horizontal Safety Dance

Like most Americans, a large part of our educations and facts were learned from the informative billboards (Billboarducation, as I call it) along the road. A vital lesson about sexual safety and awareness was learned this way…

Next time your dog humps your leg, make sure he has proper protection on or that your leg is safely concealed in a Hefty Hefty Sic Sack Trash Bag.. Whether this is an add for a Motel 8 where you can have sex with animals, or whether the two signs are unrelated was a topic of laughter. Yes, the lady is holding a condom.

No Justice Like Swift Justice

This is a quick shop where they hang the dead bodies of the criminals who attempted to rob it. If you remember one thing, may it be that even animals need safe sex. If you remember a second thing, remember there is no justice swifter than quick shop justice.

Stowaways

Sunday I loaded everything into my car for the drive back to college, and my cat tried to secretly stow away and come along. Thankfully I noticed him before I got to Stillwater. I would have turned Andrew’s room into the litter box. It is dirty enough he wouldn’t notice. And by dirty I mean littered with clothing - he is one of the house broken roommates.

A Wee Bit More (funny stuff farther down)

Incase people haven’t noticed. Ninety percent of the time, the books showcased at the top of my blogs are not books I own or am currently reading. I just pick books that have some sort of tangible relation to the subject at hand. If it is a CD it means I am listening to it.

The most interesting comments I have recieved were generated by the last post. Good comments all the way around, and everyone was level headed. The most interesting thing was how many people felt that homosexuals couldn’t be Christian. Personally, I feel it is equivalent of saying “Sinners can’t be Christian.”

The bit about the Faith of a Mustard Seed…
“I tell you the truth, if you have faith and no doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain `Go throw yourself into the sea’ and it will be done.”

“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree `Be uprooted and planted in the sea’ and it will obey you.”

The difference between the faith of most people and that of a mustard seed is a mustard seed has no choice but to have complete faith and no doubt. “No doubt” is the key part. Plenty of people have faith, but how many people do you know could walk up to a fig tree, command it to wither and die, and have no doubt of the final outcome? If you have even a hair of doubt, then your faith is not that of a mustard seed. Which isn’t a bad thing. That degree of Faith is hard to achieve.

Speaking in Tongues… if someone is speaking tongues, and every one else cannot understand that person, then it is not speaking in tongues. How do other people feel about this one?

Back to a Humorous Reality

Needing a bit of a break from the rigors of Studio and and debate, the rest of this blog is my normal ten cents of random snippets of things that could have been great if I’d pondered them longer.

The last thing I wanted to do today was get hit by an SUV, which is good because it hasn’t happened yet. In fact, I’ve pretty much decided I don’t want it to happen at all. Ever.

Ninjas Don’t Wet Beds

I’ve decided to write a book. The starting sentence was inspired by the rain today… “The only thing one could tell for certain was he’d walked in the rain a long ways. When he peed his pants, no one could tell except for the smell.”

I didn’t pee my pants. I am a Ninja, and Ninjas don’t pee their pants. Ninjas beat people up. You are thinking of a pee monster. Those are people who pee their pants. I am an Architecture Ninja. When you least expect it BAM! A house will suddenly appear around you, and then collapse on your head. Like this…

I have a minor in Feng Shui… you ever your living room and BAM! In the blink of an eye your furniture has been moved!

My second book will be a lined journal, and at the beginning of each page I’ll write the begining of a sentence. It is then the reader/writer’s responsibility to write the rest of the story… Here are a few sample sentences.

“ `I’ve never put a weasel in a high energy particle accelerator before’ he said as he prepared the weasel with duct tape.’” (this one represents what I would do if given a huge particle accelerator)

“She siged.” (this one is supposed to be a dramatic page)

“Then all at once, she realized her pin number wasn’t 5934, but was rather a combination of the electro magnetic pulse flux state static combination of a hydrogen atom at 2 degrees Kelvin converted into binary and XORed with her fathers middle name converted into binary.”

Malapropism

While chatting with WomanOfDanger, she pointed out that instead of asking a person if he or she is an “only child“, I always ask if he or she is a “lonely child.” I had never noticed this, and it isn’t something I do on purpose. Definitive malapropism right there.

Malapropism \mal-uh-PROP-iz-uhm\, noun: The usually unintentionally humorous misuse of a word, especially by confusion with one of similar sound; also, an example of such misuse.

Matt has threatened to start the Xanga name “Pope on a Boy.”

Edit: It is a great day already. Then it got better with Featured Content!

Humorous Start

Injure Your Friends In The Name of Fun!

Today I ventured with my roommates Alan and Jason to try my hand at Racquetball. I prefer racketeering, because it is more profitable. Nothing is better than inflicting fear with a wiffle bat.

How To Play Racquetball: one persons serves the ball. When it comes at your head you duck (in theory), and hit it as hard as you can at another person’s head. Eventually one of you will not be able to block the shot and BAM! Your opponent’s retina detaches as he stops the ball with his eye, which looks like this…

Points are figured using this simple formula…

Which in essence states…
Your Points = Number of bruises you gave the other players multiplied by the number of times they cussed.

That formula is actually “The Holistic Quantum Description of the Line Spectrum of the Hydrogen Atom” (the top equation), which is a derivative of the Racquetball Scoring Formula.

What we have here is a total lack of respect for the law

If you live on campus perhaps you’ve noticed a slew of Burt Reynolds mustache look alikes. Whether these mustaches were symbiotic life forms, parasitic organisms who had found human hosts, or a competition between friends of SethK and Abby has been hotly disputed.

Recently it was verified it was a contest though. The winner gets a part in the next Smokey and the Bandit Movie, money, and there was something about a tattoo?

Close Only Counts with Hand Grenades

However, one man threw his grenade with better accuracy, which is why
Dover is the man. He managed to guess more movie references correctly than anyone else. Some of the references were quite vague. So good job. You win… well… how about some Taco Mayo, a Pope Eraser (those seem, seem is the key word, popular lately), or an autographed picture of you signed by a random person.

Upon re-reading it, I discovered I had 6 movie references… 22 Short Movies about Glenn Gold, Dirty Work, American Beauty, Office Space, My Blue Heaven, and Honey I Shrunk the Kids. I didn’t expect anyone to get them, but it was going to be impressive as hell of someone did.