The Big Weekend

This weekend is of course Halloween, which is when we all poison apples. After which we headed to Anna and Kallina’s where people proceeded to feast on food named after creepy things. At first we suspected truth in advertising, but the food was too good to really taste like “Our Old Roommate” (chili) or “Rotten Eye Balls” (olives) or “Chuck’s Other Kidney” (chuck’s other kidney).

 
Anna as a Vampire before and after the kill. Other than the victims the red eyes are what made it believable.

Reese as a Ghostbuster in a kitchen without a right foot.

Vikki and Bonnie’s costumes were in a league of their own.

Other people were there, but I don’t know them well. As you can see they dressed up.

I don’t know the people in this picture either, but they seem to be mafia related. If you see them run.

Chuck’s previously mentioned Kidney. If you just threw up the poison apple you were eating, you can thank me later in the form of Mangos.

The Other Thing This Weekend

Aside from the big Bedlam game, where we lost to OU by a field goal in an excellent football game, this is a big weekend because it is “Time Screws with Your Head Weekend.” The highlight of the weekend is Sunday, which for two days a year is known as “Preacher has our attention an hour before he should“. Later in the year it is balanced by “We arrived to Church an Hour Late Day.”

As if fighting Ninjas and facing life on a daily basis isn’t complicated enough for everyone, society has incorporated the “Day Light Savings Time” System. No one knows how it works, why we use it, or if it saves time. But we do know there aren’t enough gnomes to rest all the clocks of the world. The world is gnome-understaffed.

This is why we need to push legislation providing gnomes for every home in the world. Come on, Day Light Savings Time causes more problems than anything else because we all arrive late to everything. The System isn’t fair anyways. Some states, such as Arizona, don’t obey it. Why is this unfair? Because their citizens don’t suffer from the added stress of resetting clocks (and you always forget to reset one which causes problems later) they have longer life spans.

Thanks to the following people for subscribing this week. Check’em out: Whitr, GibsonPyro, miakarma, pop_tart, raspberryrum12, Slab64 , DanceQT684 , buffy_chic, tomsaaristo, subtletease_of_life, DeathxDisco

Food and Drinks

The moral of today is never mess with a man and his Sarsaparilla no matter how girly you think the word Sarsaprilla is. It comes in a bottle. It fills us with sugar. It make us burp. Its empty carcass is worth ten cents in some states. Sarsaparilla - is there anything it can’t do?

As long as I am in a state of existence I will forever be in a state of needing pizza. Not wanting pizza, but needing pizza. It is critical to my survival. Give me pizza or else give me something else to eat.

The world’s worst cereal would be Tuna-krisps. Little chunks of toasted brown tuna with marshmallows floating in milk.

The mayonnaise that came with my StarKist Tuna Pack says it is “Reduced Calorie Mayonnaise.” Why does mayonnaise have two Ns in it? Wouldn’t one do? Think of how much ink that would save on printing presses. More accurately it should be “Reduced Mayonnaise Calories.”

Microwaving is like a Volcano cult. You throw something inside, let it cook, then eat it. Cooking in general is a physical expression of the food chain beneath you giving up. Every time you cook you should feel like manically laughing.

I believe Napkins will become the new food of the future (or fotf as i call it). There is absolutely no mess. If you have chili on your clothing or face people think you are sloppy, but if you had Napkin on your clothing or face people would think you were extraordinarily clean or that you had cut yourself shaving.

Things that have no Category

 I don’t sleep in, I slumber all because my alarm clock was designed by an English major. High school is about sleeping in. College is about Slumbering. Yes, that button says “slumber” instead of “sleep” and for college students it should really say “skip class.”

Foosball is the world’s greatest game. Never has there been another sport where you can safely drink a beer and control an army of men on skewers and kick a ball made of a hard substance around and stare at the girl you like while watching another sport.

I suck at Halloween. I have an incapacity to think of good costumes. The fact that I don’t want to spend any money probably factors into it. I am a cheap Halloween. At first I was going as PimpBot, then as 350 tons of missing explosives. But I have the best idea ever and I need a white bathrobe to complete it. If anyone at OSU has a white bathrobe to donate for a night, let me know. Also be aware it might get dirty because not only will I be wearing it, it will be attending Stonewall’s.

The worst thing that can happen when you deal with people is a realization that the other person has the mentality of a junior high cheer leader and less intelligence even though they are in the body of an adult. Especially scary is when the person appears to be an adult male. Big hulking fonts, graphics raining down the screen, no paragraphs, and lots of background music are the perfect way to achieve this.

The perfect Xanga post would mention and have pictures of the following topics: Niece/Nephew/Baby, Kittens and or puppies, and Ninjas.

“It is going to rain again tomorrow” only makes sense if it has rained on the day you say it, other wise it means it has already rained tomorrow and you expect it to again. Of course, if you don’t believe in time but rather instantaneous space time then it is perfectly proper.

Unless you speak a language called Perfect saying “I always speak perfect,” makes you stupid (i made an error similar to this the other day). If you do speak a language called Perfect it would be capitalized. Otherwise you should say “I always speak perfectly.”

I don’t care who you vote for this coming Tuesday as long as you vote. To tell the truth I hate the political party system as did George Washington. He thought it would be a downfall of our system. Little did he know Florida, which apparently has already lost 1200 absentee votes, would be a problem.  Once again more reason to trade Florida for Cuba or to at least let the next hurricane walk off with the State (we’ll keep some of the more wonderful citizens such as Julie though).

The only problem with owning a betta is he can only survive in water apparently.
The only problem with owning a sock monkey is he is always trying to create a woman out of the socks I have. Only out of the clean socks though.
The only problem with owning a bra is I’m not a female, yet.

The Lesser of Two Evils

The commercial for Oklahoma’s State Question 713 or something (ever wonder why they don’t give these things logical names that explain their function?) states that “it is a choice between Big Tobacco or Our Kids.” And for all of us this is a tough choice, so let us compare Tobacco versus Our Kids before we rush into the voting polls and make rash decisions…

+Tobacco: You can legally light cigarettes on fire, and they start forest fires.
-Children: You will go to jail for lighting them, hitting them, or throwing them on the ground and stamping them out. They don’t start forest fires.

+Tobacco: Rolled on the thighs of a virgin.
+Children: Making them requires being between the thighs of a virgin.

+Tobacco: Makes you look cool in a Cool Hand Luke type way.
-Children: Make you look “not single.”

-Tobacco: Can give you cancer..
-Children: Can give you stress related strokes.

-Tobacco: Determines the quantity of your life.
+Children: Determine the quality of your rest home.

-Tobacco: Cost as much as children.
-Children: Cost as much as tobacco.

-Tobacco: Brings you a nicotine high.
+Children: Can bring your cigarettes, a Playstation controller, the mail, or a cold beer from the fridge during a crucial fourth down conversion attempt.

As we can see, both tie for points at -1 to -1. Seeing as I don’t have any kids the choise would have to be Tobacoo. Also is this commercial implying with the phrase “Our kids” that I have children with State Legislatures or the commercial announcers that I don’t know about? I am fairly certain I know about all of them. Maybe I don’t send money to their mother, remember their birthdays, or known their names, but that doesn’t mean you have to use them against me.

Logically if we have bacon made of Turkey why not children made of Tobacco? Tobacco made of children is simply sick, so we have to go at it from the other direction. Even simpler would be children smoking tobacco made of turkey bacon.

Death to the Wall

Yes, that is a picture of a plastic dart Vikki managed to drive into the wooden wall at Stonewalls after “Walk Around” on Friday night. Only more impressive would be if that walls were actually stone.

Theory of Google

What do the Bible, D, Smurfs, Shark, and Work all have to do with each other? Though subtle the answer as always is Pornography. Like you I always thought those words were unrelated in any plane of concepts however Google Image search has taught me the error of such thoughts. This has led to what I call the “Google Porn Hypothesis,” which states that “The majority of words used in a Google image search will return porn.”

Listed below are the terms I searched for and a link to the Google search results that were returned. If you follow the links farther from Google you do so at your own risk, which is a way of saying make sure your spouse isn’t around.

Search for: “Bible“
What I was looking for: Image of a Bible for the emoticon Bible post.
Result: Last Row
Comment: This is apparently the story of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Search for: “D“
What I was looking for: I was trying to generate a list of things that started with the letter “D.”
Result: First Row

Search for: “Smurf“
What I was looking for: Images of smurfs. Apparently Smurf and Smut are very similar. At least no snuff appeared.
Result: Second Row

Search for: “Sharks“
What I was looking for: Searching for pictures of Mandrakes relatives for genealogical purposes.
Result: Fourth Row
Comment: This is not nudity, but a hot model has nothing to do with Sharks.

Friday’s Feast

Here is an action pose where Anna is mixing kool-aid for the cult next door. No one is sure why they needed it, but they never returned pitcher.

In the spirit of Homecoming and generosity Bonnie hosted a wonderful meal at her place: soup, salad, chicken parmesan, chocolate moose, fruit pizza, and mocha brownies. I took photos of these tasty dishes, but none of the photographs turned out nearly as well as the food did. However, the pictures of the guests turned out okay…

The television was getting into the Orange Pride Cowboy Spirit.

We we’re surprised when JR showed (the middle one).

This is was taken after the dinner and before the bar.

Later in the night the guy in the bright colored shirt on the left had a motorcycle wreck. He is okay, but his bike is totaled. Better than the other way around.

Rule #35: Don’t make fun of your friend’s grandparents. We didn’t violate the rule of course. But I couldn’t think of a better caption.

New Kids on the Block - They came along with JR.

The guy in the middle cuts his food like an old man. A dirty old man.

They protected the food from Foot Soldiers and did the food preparation that involved cutting things up.

Emoticon Bible

(because Bibles are always printed on what seems to be tissue paper). I’ve decided to become the Guttenberg of the Emoticon and therefore am publishing the Emoticon Translation of the King James Bible. It is a good way to reach the text messaging children of the current generations. It was only a matter of time. haha - that is what people will say after the Second Coming.

Are you the Gate Keeper?

You are all insane. I can’t keep up to speed with everyone’s constant updating and commenting. On a side note the O’Colly ran the article today that “OSU Police department play key role in Student’s Safety.” Why was ink wasted on something this blatantly obvious?

Next on the agenda: In order to avoid hearing my roommates complain about the air conditioning still being on (i like it “you have to defrost the toilet” cold) I decided to replace them with Inuits. Then a better suggestion was made that I should replace them with Penguins. If any of you would like to trade 2 penguins for 2 roommates please contact me.

Penguins are black, tar is black, (that was what we call a transition. the key is “black”… are you the transitioning gate keeper?) and yesterday I went and hot tar roofed for my Dad. Nothing makes me feel more manly than playing with 550 degree asphalt, propane, big hulking trucks, and pulleys except roving around forests and killing defenseless things with my bare hands while cursing about communists, drinking beer, eating beef jerky, spitting, grabbing my crotch, and stomping loudly while setting trees on fire.

After work I went home for dinner where my mom fixed Ravioli, Shrimp, and Salad. I wasn’t hungry though because I’d been stomping around the forest eating Crayolas. Her ratings would sky rocket if she would cook dinner and drive it here every night. My mother is, in an understatement, an amazing cook. Commas are important in the last sentence or my mother might be in an understatement which would be highly confusing.

She’ll cook a beautiful meal (greek, indian, thai, chinese, lamb, etc…) and always follows up with “Sorry, I didn’t have time to make something better.” I’m glad she realizes her faults (just kidding).

Pomping isn’t spelled with Pimp but Whore is spelled with Your Mom

A quick note… it was going to be “But whore is spelled with you,” but that bordered on being offensive. The title has nothing to do with sororities in honesty. But I got into a whole pimp/pomp thing.

Here at OSU spirits are high as this weekend is Homecoming, which is the largest Homecoming in the nation. Homecoming at OSU is renowned because of “Walk Around” which is where we all gather and eat candy apples while “walking around” Greek Row and looking at the thousands of man hours the frats and sororities wasted stuffing tissue paper into chicken wire. Not only that, people paid for the privilege of pomping.

You may be asking yourself “Why do they spend time pomping chicken wire? And why do other people come and look at it?” To which I retort: What do you expect us to do, we live in Oklahoma? Some people call it the Bible belt, we call it the cattle pasture. Typographical mistakes call it a cattle pastor. Aside from hunting, people only do two things here: eat and have sex. Of which I only do one.

And damn am I hungry.

Picture an Enemy

Warning: I am both always right and very biased towards unqualified oaf incumbents.

In a class Tuesday our teacher asked us to “picture the enemy in this war.” I am sure for many people images of Sudam Hussein appeared or Osama Bin Laden. For me the first and only image that appeared was George W. Bush looking goofy as always. To me the War in Iraq was the President’s version of pomping chicken wire but more pointless.

I feel he is the greatest threat to our nation and the stability of the world. With his arrogance in power, not his intelligence in power, America will not be a country that lasts as a leader. If we abandon the rest of the World, they will rightly abandon us.

A great weight rests on the leader of the last Super Power in the world. I do not believe Bush is even qualified to be a seeing eye dog let, or to mop the floor of McDonalds, let alone to hold a position of such importance as President of the United States.

The man in one of the World’s most important positions should not be a C student. He should not be offending the rest of the world. He should not have connections that profit from wars. Our votes are as much a responsibility to the world as to the country.

If you like my view be sure to vote. If you don’t like my view be sure to vote.

Note about the banner: For the next thirty posts I will be changing the banner to one of the pictures from my trip. To find out more about each banner read the information on the left under the section “About the Banner.”

Busy

I have been extremely busy lately. I’ve had two tests, two papers, some other odds and ends due, and I’ve been spending a lot more time outside of my room leaving much less time to update. I’ve been hanging out waaaaaaaay over across campus and at the Third Place coffee shop a lot lately for some unknown (haha) reason too.
Note to my sister Rebecca, I have not been drinking coffee while there.

We all need dinosaurs in our lives. And if we can’t have that, then we should at least have roommates or alarm clocks that wake us up with video games and freshly made breakfasts. If you have a spouse then you got 3/4 of the way: a dinosaur who wakes you up (and possibly cannablizes you for breakfast). And if he or she cooks you breakfast, then you are living in a fantasy world.

Pope Gets to First Base

That last paragraph was a transition to softball. I’d like to state that the next three sentences are not a practice in fictional writing: Last week I got on base for the first time ever in organized ball without being walked. Yes, to everyone’s disbelief including my own, I hit the ball. I eventually made it to home even.

Baseball and Softball consist of two main areas: batting and fieling, which is fielding spelled wrong. Last time I played organized ball was in grade school and I needed glasses at the time, which is a way of saying I sucked at batting. I played right field, which is a way of saying I sucked at fielding too (though i did improve and play second base later).

We should all have priorities in life, and the priorities I have for my next game of softball are…

1.) Wear cleats. My Vans, however cool they were when I bought them four years ago, are not made for ball fields.

2.) Zip up my pants. When I got back from the game I realized I’d played the entire game with my pants unzipped. Luckily I was playing left-center, so no harm done. How do I know this happened? Simple, I looked down and my pants were unzipped.

What are You Wearing?

Everyone liked the bit about the shoes last week. Amazingly it generated a lot of comments about the “Moose ‘n’ Pine Tree” sheets that I have.
“The shoes are good, but the moose ‘n’ pine tree sheets slay me.” - Primeva
“why moose?” - Lanney
“do you have matchin pajams?” - Tomsaaristo

The sheets are actually a small blanket my Mom made for me. And as for matching Pajamas, what does the Pope wear to bed?

I would have to answer this question with a question: What is the point of changing clothing to get into bed when I am simply going to change into clothing when I get out of bed? Simply put, I sleep in the clothing I wore that day.
Seriously.

Other old business to take care of, Nikkipierce was the first person to guess the Light Saber handle in the previous post belonged to Anakin. Credit has to go to MexiSpud for knowing that it is Anakin’s pre-Darth Vader handle.

Any errors in spelling or grammar can be blamed on Atticus_finch_Rules. She has unwittingly earned this by the divine intervention of me volunteering her for it. Complain to her about spelling and grammar, not me.

It has been proven 57 is the gayest number ever.

As for how I figured out the stats in the last post: I hired Canada, a small literate country, to re-read and cross-index and reference every word used on this site. I’d have hired Mexico, who is a harder worker, but Mexico doesn’t read english yet.