So… You come here often?

Bowling shoes: inspiring foot disease and pick up lines for the last three decades.
See, we do get our shoes at the same place.

In an appetite for humility we gathered last week for an appearance at Stillwater’s local bowling alley. The only people who are good at bowling are the over-weight, balding, 45 year old males of the population. If that is what it takes to be a good bowler then we can all be happy knowing we will remain unskilled in the sport.

The bowling Ninjas (left to right): Rob, Shane, Erin, Sandra, and Anna.

On second thought, we chose to eat the Kittens

Kiera holding Bibber and Tucker, the two kittens that served as our meal.

In an appetite for Turkey, stuffing, vegetables, and 4 home-made pies, my family gathered in Kansas City. Like the majority of our fellow citizens we celebrated Thanksgiving by eating more food than a third world country produces in a year. Our nation is okay with this because we don’t have to eat the food in front of them. Capitalism and Nuclear weapons are what give us this freedom. We don’t want anyone out eating our Nation, which is why our government gets irate when other countries try to start nuclear programs.

Of all the things to be thankful for, I am most thankful for my wonderful family. Once again my sister Rebecca has our focus because she got engaged on the 24th to John, who is definitely the kind of video-game, computer loving, humorous type that I am happy to have become another in-law. Breaking new ground, Rebecca is the first child to marry an Ameircan. John married Tomoko (Japanese), Kirsten married Carl (French), and Beth married Eddie (Irish).

Last of the Mohicans

This means I am the last single Hardiman. Ladies (no offense gentlemen, but you are not going to have any luck here), now is your last chance to enjoy the humor, passion, prestige, and privilege of being a Hardiman or of simply being associated with me? This is your moment. However, as my siblings have set a precedent I can only choose a wife from one of the following continents: Antarctica, Australia, South America, or Africa. Well, being for one of those continents will get you a higher place on the list that I am making right now.

And now it is time to head to Chris’ place for Italian dinner and the movie Harry Potter: The Sourcerer’s Stone in the excellent company of friends.

To JR’s delight I reveal my Mail

Forget featured content. You know your Xanga kicks ass when people start sending you wedding invitations. Seriously, that is an invitation from a loyal RePopelicratendent. It is on a day I won’t be doing anything and it isn’t too far away. I am tempted to go, but first I need to know if it was in good spirits or serious invitation.

Robots

Even my drawings kick ass. And the next blog is going to be about what it is like to live in my head and come up with blogs. This is the first time I believe I’ve ever told what I am going to blog about in advance.

Why I Always Win

Yes, I won. Not only did I have a full house before the last card was revealed, but when it was revealed I had Four aces! Overall I won lots and lots of play money (ie - Canadian money).

I won a sexual Favor!

Not only did I win poker. But I won a hand job from Kylie. I was lucky visitor number 4,000. Yea, my weekend kicked ass.

Compliments

It is nice to show compliments through actions and small gestures rather than outright because it comes across as more sincere I think. Though sometimes it can be a little trickier.

Another Day Spent Amusing Myself by Doing Laundry on my Washboard Abs

Part of today is dedicated to washing laundry. I get bored too easy. Not that I don’t find things interesting, but I already know many interesting things (we all do), which is why I hate classes like Biology. I’d rather jump to Biology II or Genetics, things offering new information. It wastes my time to re-learn the things I’ve not forgotten.

More and more I am looking at internships for companies such as NBC, Comedy Central, etc… (etc pays the best) because surely there is a use for the imagination housed inside my head. They probably want people with a degree in a related field though. If I walk up and say “My degree is a blend of Architecture, Computer Science, and English” the people will look at me funny and say “That is nice. Do you want a cookie? Make yourself useful and take the trash out as you leave.”

Yes, I want a cookie. A fresh made cookie - not those stale cookies from Little Bakery.

When people try to tell you something you already know you have to decide if you want to lie and pretend it is new information or cut them off short with “Yes, I know that.” Similar to when people tell a joke you can know the punch line to. 98% of jokes have the same related punch line (”You think I asked for a twelve inch pianist” or “No, I said DING-DONG.” What do you do?

Number Games

Do you play number games? I do and they revolve around the number 3. Never use the number 2 to prove things because it has weird properties most numbers don’t (2+2=4, 2*2=4, and 2^2=4) that will lead you to wrong assumptions. Don’t divide by a variable unless you know the variable isn’t equal to zero.

Originally I typed “Rice fascinates me” but I mean “Math fascinates me.” The first is an obvious typo and lie, though there are interesting facts about rice? I’m great with concepts. I never met a concept I didn’t comprehend. Rice is tasty.

Ever taken an online IQ test? The person with the highest IQ ever held menial jobs his entire life. He probably enjoyed what he was doing, and that is smarter than working a job you hate.

I’m not addicted to any drugs nor have I done drugs (don’t give me that “alcohol is a drug, tylenol is a drug” crap - you know what i mean). However, I do find pens (pens, not penis) and journals addictive along with browsing bookstores. I’d rather have a good journal and pen which is my room is stacked with journals. The thing I enjoy most though is being outside.

Head Aches, Hell and Kidnapping

Someday my kids (after i’ve married, knocked up my wife up, she has had the children, and we’ve taught them to read) will read what I wrote and get headaches.

Stillwater is the worldly equivalent of Purgatory. I enjoy doing homework once I get started.

The most tempting thing to do in life right now, other than get lunch because I’ve yet to eat today, is get an enjoyable job with decent pay, save up money, and then travel. Return to the job. Repeat the process. Sarah does that successfully. It is better than having a well paying job and no time to travel. This probably is proof she has a high IQ.

My next set of travels will be to South America… Any country except Columbia. Though we all enjoy cocaine I don’t enjoy being kidnapped. It is usually a good idea to avoid areas subject to war and kidnapping even if drug prices are astonishingly cheap.

Leading a country into war under knowingly false statements is wrong. Leading a country while getting a blow job from someone other than your spouse is wrong. Morally both are wrong in different ways. One is a good husband. One was a good president. The point: Not ever husband is a good leader and not every leader is a good husband.

Every man enjoys a good blow job.
I don’t think any man can enjoy an abortion even if it was a “good abortion.”
I don’t think any man can enjoy an execution even if it was a “good execution.”

Edit: New entries added on to the end from Beth, Rebecca, and John. And as I know good and well none of you are about to read even a tenth of this there will be no more updates to this post.

Christmas Is Near

First, I would like to give a huge thanks to everyone for the immense success of the previous post. A whopping 92 comments came in the initial 48 hours, which is incredible. I will know spend the rest of my life trying to reciprocate to each of those comments. If I owe the success of this page to anything aside from my humor it would be to the wonderful loyal readers I have brainwashed over the duration of my Xanga. Oh, and thanks to Libby for once again feeding me Lasagna and Garlic Toast. And now for something in the holiday spirit…

A lot of people complain because people seem to look from Christmas straight to Christmas paying little attention to Halloween or Thanksgiving. Thankgiving to me is a way to gather the family I love in order to remind them they need to be purchasing the tributes they owe me.

Giving is what makes people feel good. Therefore to maximize their Christmas experience people should buy me tons of stuff. This is a very selfless act of me because I will have to suffer the fate of not experiencing the “warmth inside” from giving. I will miss out on the act of giving in order to make other people’s Christmases more rewarding.

In keeping the spirit here is an e-mail exchange that took place between me and my siblings…

You Owe Me Big Time

This is from me to my family…

To my Siblings and Parents who are all gainfully employed,

Everyone’s favorite Hardiman who is bound to get loads of loot for Christmas (that is me) would like to let everyone know that Google updated their search engine index to 8 billion pages in order to fully encompass the contents of my Christmas Wish List.

Also - it has come to light that since you are all older than me you have gotten to celebrate more Christmases than I have thus giving you an unfair advantage in the”Total Loot Collected Contest.” Mom, who I will remind you has legal signature on our bank accounts, is strongly urging people in the family to make up for the stated gap this year. She is making decisive threats to take the matter up herself if you don’t act promptly and efficiently.

Ever Humble College Student, Favorite Youngest Child, and Favorite Little Brother,

ps - I spell checked this email and apparently there were no spelling mistakes. Therefore must not be any flaws in the logic of the email despite your feeble attempts to exploit possible loopholes.

We Owe Seth Big Time

This is from my youngest older sister…

Dear Favorite Little Brother (with Rest of Family CCd),

While I appreciate the general tenor of your missive, I take offense at your suggestion that any of the parties addressed might try to “exploit possible loopholes.” I can’t imagine what you mean.

As someone only very, very recently gainfully employed (ahem, ahem), I would like to point out that while Seth is surely deserving of big presents, a new study shows that next-to-youngest siblings are often overlooked in the holiday gift-giving practice (see Wrangham and Richards, 2004, Journal of Familial Gift Giving Patterns), and so remedy should be attempted from this point forward.

With snowy holiday love and eagerness to see you all as soon as possible,

Beth Gets the Wrong Idea

This is from Beth the next oldest sister…

Dear Wonderful, Loving, and Delightful Family,

As parent and guardian of this family’s youngest member, I feel compelled to join this conversation. Little Aidan has had the least opportunity of anyone in the family to enjoy Christmas. Considering that he was only 7 days old on his first Christmas, I think it is fair to say that he has only enjoyed one Christmas thus far in his little life. Only one. Can you imagine only having had one Christmas?

Early child development studies indicate that a child’s Christmas experiences in their formative years, can have lifelong impacts. Please help us ensure that Aidan does not suffer for the rest of his life from an inadequate supply of gifts. If you need some ideas to get started, I encourage you to explore the Ann Taylor, Crate and Barrel, and Sundance Jewelry websites.

You may think this selection of websites appears self-centered, but I’m sure you’ll understand after reading the recent landmark study by Gemee, Moer, Lute, et. al. indicating that there is a causal relationship between the mother’s enjoyment of the child’s gifts and a child’s Christmas enjoyment (American Journal for the Greater Enjoyment of Christmas, Oct. 2004).

love, Elizabeth

Christmas Is Near

This is from me to my family once again…

Dear Misguided Siblings and Family,

Aidan can take up his lack of presents with Kiera seeing as this discussion only deals with direct sibling and parental relations. Though it was a nice attempt (yet again) for Beth’s on going crusade to avoid taking parental responsibilities for her children, she will have to make up for Aidan’s lack in her own monetary ways. As for the study, the wrong presents can also have a lifelong impact. Beth surely wouldn’t want us to make hasty decisions and purchase movies such as Pulp Fiction or video games such as Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for Aidan during these impactful formative years.

I would like to extend my appreciation to Rebecca who, as I expected, fully grasps the depths of the situation in sight and has been faithfully backing my scientifically proven facts regarding the matter at hand (”I would like to point out that while Seth is surely deserving of big presents”). Rebecca has entered her first serious job and a lot is expected of her. The firm of Ropes and Grey surely expects family to be there and back their newest employees with generosity in the form of presents.

Beth Admits Defeat

Seth -

You have enlightened me. I now see that my behavior was self-centered in a way not even remotely exhibited by my more philanthropic siblings. We are all, of course, deserving of large quantities of gifts. I will take a page from my management handbook and seek a win-win situation for everyone. For example, perhaps we could help John out with all those Yen. After all, his Yen don’t go nearly as far in Japan as they do when converted to American dollars. We might be able to work out a gift purchasing plan that could help him with this situation.

PS - I must ask that you not dismiss the research prowess of Gemme, Moer and Lute. They are well-respected in the field of gift-giving research and should not be slightly merely because you disagree with my arguments.

Rebecca Gets Legal

Rebecca responds with a series of large words in various orders.

Dear Sirs and Madams:

I concur with Mrs. Roche’s business-minded approach and do myself seek a realigned zero defect executive solution as well as a de-engineered homogeneous process improvement. (See http://orion.it.luc.edu/~ahill1/buzzword.html for more information.)

My basic proposal (which shall soon be explained) stems solely from a desire to keep all of us in compliance with federal gift-giving guidelines (see 17 CFR 2800-2911). Now the Eliot Spitzer is worked up, we all must pay attention to regulations affecting so called “after-hours (gift) trading” and “(shopping) market timing” - important concepts during Christmas gift trading and shopping season.  Not to mention federal gift-giving taxes - surely we don’t want to be taxed during our holidays?

Therefore, my proposal is that we nominate a Compliance Officer.  While I work extremely long hours, I nevertheless am willing to sacrifice a significant amount of time to ensure familial compliance with  abovementioned regulations, as I do believe my understanding of the applicable regulations is quite sound.  

Everyone must route all gifts through me so I can regulate them. In accordance with accepted guidance from the SEC. And the DOJ. And the IRS.

My address is [withheld].  Please send all packages FedEx, but not requiring a signature. 

Best regards,
     Rebecca

A Rin T.I. T.I. 85

Remember when you were little and you thought you were cool, and you wanted a dog, and you wanted a Calculator watch? Sadly none of those things ever came true.

Step right up because today I make an offer no one can refuse. I have combined the best of those wishes and that illusion of grandeur and am unveiling the Calculator Watch Dog. Not only is he man’s best friend but he can help you balance your check book and guard your house all while licking himself.

You are thinking “But a dog is a big responsibility, Seth.” That is the great thing about this dog; you don’t have to feed him because he is powered by captive photosynthesis generated by the solar cells on the calculator. For those of you who live in Seattle, which hasn’t seen direct sun in recorded history,the double AA powered Calculator Watch Dog is available.

Edit: In response to Whitr’s request, you cannot have either individually. I haven’t spent hundreds of hours learning how to bread the two just so you can have a diffrent product..

Solutions to Popularity

Of course that was a transition into today’s main topic: A country could improve its popularity and global standings if its U.N. Representative swore Sombreros. What is more positive and festive than a sombrero? Especially a sombrero that has chips and salsa on the top of it?

Countries would be waging wars to get to sit by you because it would appear your group was having more fun than anyone else. People would also think you might break a piniata in the shape of a Calculator Watch Dog (see the topics are related) out at any moment for fun and games.

If Cuba fashions small boats and rolls cigars at their desk, and China is busy making pirated DVDs at theirs, and Canada’s desk is shaped like a moose (they sit in the antlers), and Austraila has a desk of its own on the other side of the room, and England has Manchester United posters hanging up,then there should be no problem with wearing Sombreros at your desk.

Pillows of Comfort

It is great how girls (though a few guys may do this too)always put fifteen or sixteen hundred layers of pillows on their beds.Why they do it isn’t a question that needs answered.Scientists believe it is somehow related to collecting thousands of pairs of shoes too.

How many pillows are on your bed?

Congratulations

We couldn’t be more proud, Rebecca! Rebecca (one of my sisters) passed the BAR exam (it takes about 6 months to get the results back) on her first try and will be a certified lawyer once she is sworn in January.

Everyone knows the BAR exam is extremely difficult but few people will ever take it and experience it. More than half of those who do will fail it the first time. IE - this is a big deal.

She is on the right side of the law and the right side of this picture.

Unicorns Got Eaten by Dinosaurs who choked on the Horns

Why should I use words when I can post a crayola like the beauty above? One lucky person recieved this drawing. Oh, and for Halloween I didn’t dress up because I am not about to spend $60 on a ninja outfit. I wanted to go as the Fed-Ex Pope from Conan O’Brien, but no one had a white bath robe to loan me.

Playing poker online I’ve turned my $1,000 of play money into more than $24,000 in two sessions of playing (a total of maybe 5 hours). Last night at a game with friends for real money I had the most amazing poker night: triple queens multiple times, triples kings, triple aces, several full houses, several straights, and several flushesh (by several i mean at least 3)… and almost all of them were on the flop. I have quarters to last for weeks.