Inspirational not Perspirational

It isn’t often I pick up a book and find it to be influential to my life, but when such a big is found I cling to it as one should. One of my new friends here, introduced me to a book called “Wild at Heart” which is a book every guy (and girl) should read (and was the influence of the source of the ideas in this post). It is well written, to the point, and has given me a way to express the desires I feel as a guy, which is to become a Man. As cliched as that may sound.

Garrison Keillor, in his book the Book of Guys realized one day he was not being honest about himself as a man, so he made two lists…

1.) Useful Things I Can Do: Be nice, make a bed, dig a hole, write books, sing alto or bass, read a map, drive a car.

2.) Useful Things I Can’t Do: Chop down big trees and cut them into lumber or fire wood. Handle a horse, train a dog, or tend a herd of animals. Handle a boat without panicking the others. Throw a fastball, curve, or slider. Load, shoot, and clean a gun. Or bow and arrow. Or use either of them, or a spear, net, snare boomerang, or blowgun to obtain meat. Defend myself with my bare hands.

“Real Nice Guys” Suck

There are things on both lists I can and cannot do, but you get the point he was making. This world has plenty of “Real Nice Guys” (most are “push overs”). Let us be honest - there are too many “Real Nice Guys.” Not that people need to be mean, but “Real Nice Guys” do not generally make men. Men are strong, passionate, dangerous, and fierce. But they are also good. They stand, roar, and fight when needed.

Ladies, would you rather date a “Real Nice Guy” who brings you flowers, writes you cards, but never roars or fights for you? Or would you rather be with a Man, who is passionate (writes cards, brings flowers), is fierce, and is good? If you say a “Real Nice Guy” then you have never met a Man.

(example of fierce)

Most of my life I have been a “Real Nice Guy,” but my goal now is to be a man - or at least to start walking down the road of becoming a man. Every Woman desires a Man (and vice versa), and as a guy who hopes to find a woman someday I need to become a Man, which involves embracing three things that are ingrained into the souls of men from the day they are little boys and slowly washed out by the world we grow up in…

Three embedded Desires

1.) We want an adventure to live. We grew up as boys wanting to be cowboys, astronauts, fire fighters, explorers, mountaineers. Have you ever met a six year old who wanted to design data signal processors or transistor circuit boards? At a point in our life society begins to mold those dreams to us instead of us to our dreams. My relationship with my parents is amazing because they never molded my dreams to me, but me to my dreams. I can see the path my adventure leads and I want to fulfill the desire in a Woman calling her to play a key role in an adventure. She shouldn’t be the focus of a Man’s world, but she should be important and focusing on the world with him.

2.) We want a battle to fight. “A man must have a battle to fight, a great mission to his life that involves and yet transcends even home and family. He must have a cause to which he is devoted even unto death.” We need a reason to tick, a cause to roar and show our strength for. A woman should be something a man fights for, but she should not be the entire battle just as she should not be the adventure. I want to fulfill her desire to be fought for.

3.) We want a beauty to win. When we find her we will pursue her, desire her, protect her, and fight for her. “A man should use all he is as a man to provide the strength for a woman to be a woman. And she should use all she is as a woman to get him to use all he’s got as a man.” And in my strength I want her to live her desire to unveil her beauty.

Be Who You Are

I am not saying women are weak - they are every bit as strong and independent but in a different way. Women, if you want to be found by a Man then make yourself a Woman (and vice versa). Let us compliment you, protect you, win you over, roar and be fierce and good. There is nothing wrong or weak or shameful with being feminine (feminine does not mean weak or dependent), wearing a dress and heels on occassion, taking a compliment when we offer one. I want to be a Man and her to be a Woman. There is nothing wrong with this - it is natural.

Note: I am not saying a woman has to wear heals to be a woman. But part of being a woman is being beautiful, and she should do this however she can. I’m saying she should do whatever it is that makes her a woman. Even the tribes in Africa want a woman to be a woman and a man to be a man - even more so than our society.

I love where I am in life, and I look forward to the day when I find a woman who challenges me to be every bit of man I should be and will become. I will be fierce. I will be good. I will do my best to start now.

The Season of Lent

I know I’m not starting right on time. But along with giving up my iPod for Lent, I am going to give up posting on Xanga too. This is only until the end of Lent, which does seem a long ways off. It is really hard to give up something I take so much joy in, but I wanted to give up something more important to me than it should be other than booze and fighting on rooftops.

It will hurt my number of visitors, and kind of work against the Xanga empire I’ve slowly built - but I feel it needs to be done to prove something to myself.

I tee-off less than most men my age

(Here I am handing my caddie my golf club. I look a lot like Tiger when I play.)

“Do you play golf by chance” was the question posted by PassionOfMine in the last post. Let us start with a better question: do I enjoy golf? Yes, being outdoors is great and being able to fence down your best friend with a putter and drive over him in a small cart like a drunken shriner is exciting. It is the only sport, aside from fencing that mixes ugly socks, mechanical precision, fencing of a pirate, and driving around in a little car… without doing so under the influence.

“Golf is the only time a white man can dress like a black pimp and get away with it.” -Robin Williams

I have “played” golf, but what I do is not considered “playing” as much as it is “whacking a ball a direction then looking for it.” I’ve played a handful of times with my neighbors Tyler and Travis. The first time I played I lost 11 balls on an 18 hole course that had NO water hazards. It is the equivalent of misplace your car IN your garage or misplacing your child IN the crib. I am the harbinger of doom for golf balls. Golf ball companies on the other hand love the business revenue I generate.

When Tyler and Travis ask me to play it is usually for their father’s company scramble, because they need me to handicap the team that won the year before. That makes me feel good because it isn’t often I’m asked to do thing. I am special - I am klondike to golfers. Sure, maybe I meant kryptonite, but I couldn’t find any good pictures of kryptonite. And I taste better this way.

Their logical thinking is this “We could ask Bob, the quadriplegic, but some how he hits better than Seth. Seth is good because he is bad at the game and still enjoys every moment.”

For those of you not in the know, a scramble (not scrabble) means there are four players per team, each person on the team takes a turn tee-ing, driving, or putting, and you pick and choose the best hits to count. It lets unskilled people like me play without ruining too much fun for the other players.

A note to the Irish

Last time I played they put me on Greg’s team. Thanks to his ability at the game we won and I got $130 in cassh (1/4th of the pot). Note to the Irish: This event was held on an island in international waters off the coast of Oklahoma. I meant a note to the IRS… oh well.

The only reason he overcame the Sethdicap is this: he has considered playing the senior PGA. He knows most of the SPGA players, plays (golf) with them, and often wins. We were standing at the 8th hole, he was getting very pissed off about my poor playing skills when he finally asked…

Greg: “Seth, how many times have you played before?”
Me: “If we finish today it will make 2 games.”
Greg: “You’ve never had lessons, right?”
Me: “Is it that obvious?” (with heavy sarcasm)

He may be an outstanding golfer, but Einstein there should have figured out at the end of the first hole (in Seth terms this means after I had lost 2 balls already) and not at the end of the eighth hole (5 lost balls later) what a bad, for lack of a more accurate word, golfer I am. I like golf, but all I really want to do is drive the cart from green to green. It is as close to being a Formula One driver as I’ll get, and I’ll take it!

I can read those slopes, Baby.

In my defense, I am only a bad golfer because I “don’t give a damn” (direct quote from me) about being good at a sport whose only redeeming value to me is the part where I get to drive us from hole to hole. However, I am a brilliant read of the putting green and do have true talent there. Greg even complimented me on that.

To read putting greens accurately takes one of two things: either a keen ability to detect the slightest slopes and variations in the grass (carpet if we’re talking putt-putt) or Will Smith as a support actor playing the part of the caddie. What the hell kind of name is Bagger Vance? It sounds more like a problem… “My baggervance is acting up” (slur it together).

My ability to detect the slightest inclinde, pitch, or roll of terrain comes from two things. First is the countless hours I’ve spent playing putt-putt at Enid when Steve worked there and let us play for free constantly, which lead to a “declining balance” for the putt-putt store and a sport Reese and I call Speed putt-putt in which the average game of 36 holes over two courses is played in a span lasting upwards of ten minutes.

Explaining Speed putt-putt would be as pointless as writing the rules for Calvinball. You need Calvin and Hobbes to play Calvin Ball. You need Reese and me to play Speed putt-putt. The only reason it isn’t called Calvinball is we can never agree who gets to be Hobbes.

Our relationship could only go forwards

The second part of this natural ability to detect any variation in slope is thanks to the experience I gained in driving my 1991 four door Honda Accord that did not have reverse. Yes, I drove a car that didn’t have reverse. And I never complained because it was more entertaining than having reverse. Apparently the reverse gear had been replaced with a device called Afgnmd (”a funny grinding noise making device”).

Most people who rode with me didn’t realize there was a lack of reverse unless I told them. The trick was to find pull through parking or to park in a spot where there was just enough slope that when I turned the engine on and put the car in reverse it would roll out over citizens by itself.

If I failed to find a place with enough slope, then I had to open the door and Flintstone the car backwards. This is when people in the car would notice the lack of reverse and strangers would stop and watch with particular interest. At the time I was dating Betsy and this was part of keeping her impressed.

What is more impressive ladies? Using some mechanical energy to move the car or using the sheer brute strength of my masculinity to move a several thousand pound vehicle made of heaving things like steel and less heavy things like aluminum, plastic, and rice.

Sometimes I made Betsy impress me and would have her get out and push the car. Especially if it was raining outside or I had good clothing on.

It was nice though because not only did I have 4 forward gears but 4 reverse gears…
R1.) My foot out the door.
R2.) R1 + Besty’s foot out her door.
R3.) R2 + back left passenger’s foot out his/her door.
R4.) R3 + back right passenger’s foot out his/her door.

And on the theme of cars and driving and little kids click here.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Today was an absolutely beautiful day in Boston. The temperature was in the mid 40’s (the highest it has been since I’ve arrived). On a gorgeous day you have to spend time outside, with your hat, and your jacket over your shoulder. Rebecca brought her camera, and thanks to that there will be a great supply of new eye-fodder through the next few posts.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Fish Sandwiches

Jelly Bellies are the miracle of your tongue for your tongue. The reason you have a tongue is so you can enjoy these tasty treats. Often we wonder how the Jelly Belly Miracle Company managed to pack this much flavor into their product. Simple, they use only the finest quality Jelly Fish for ingredients.

To investigate this I went to the New England Aquarium to see their Jelly Fish exhibit, which will still be on when Kylie arrives (first visitor i will have, unless Reese beats her here). Kylie will arrive a few months before U2 comes in May.

This is a beautiful temporary exhibit about the Jelly Fish, whose populations are reaching new heights as global warming and an abundance of fertilizers in the Ocean provide increasingly more suitable habitats for them. The things I learned were…

1.) You can put a Jelly Belly in your mouth safely.
2.) You will most likely die if you put a Jelly Fish in your mouth.
3.) Maybe the point was to educated us about the damage we’re doing to the world and its ecosystems, but I think the real point - hidden beneath all that - is if you want to save the Jelly Fish you should promote as much pollution as you can.

Interruption by a Precedent

This week we suffered the trauma of having to listen to the President interupt every television channel during prime time. For some reason each President feels this is an important thing to do. Approval ratings would sky rocket if he announced he was skipping it, and this one could use some approval ratings. You can thank George Washington for setting this precedent. He was good because he did it before TVs, so he never interupted anything - because nothing ever happened back then.

As we all sat on couches and flipped to each channel asking ourselves “Is he on every channel?” I thought of a few suggestions to liven up the Softua, which is not an acronym for State of the Union Address, but rather “Some old-fart talking uninterupted again”.

1.) Do not deliver this piece of political fluff during prime-time. Interupt the McLaughlin Group or one of the local news broadcasts at 4:00, 4:30, 5:00, or 5:30. Don’t interupt the Family Guy.
2.) As it is poorly acted and scripted, why not have Fox turn it into a reality show?
3.) Have Drew Carrey host the President and his Cabinet in an evening of improv comedy.
4.) Have a random drawing for which country we promise not to nuke to small glowing bits.

If you missed the event, you lucky soul, then we’ll take moment to sum up the speech:
Suggested Motto: “Ignore today by fixing other things that might be broken in the distant future.”
“If a war over seas is this much fun, why not two here? A War on Gangs and a War on Social Security. We’ll call it a War on S.S. though so you think we’re fighting Nazis, and fighting Nazis is good because they’re evil. Forget the health care crisis of now, Social Security will be bankrupt in 2042.”

Oh, yea - A lot of people asked me and the answer is no, I did not make up the facts for the red and blue state map featured in the last post. If I had the facts would have been much more humorous and along the lines of “Blue states are areas with a higher concentration of smurfs.”

Rules for Interupting the Focus of our Nation

Here is a list of things allowed to interupt prime-time television…

1.) Conan O’Brien or the Simpsons.
2.) Victoria’s Secret commercials.
3.) The pizza delivery guy.
4.) The Second Coming (should probably be at the top of thelist, so I now deem this listas being in no particular order).
5.) Dinosaurs and/or Ninjas (if both then it is definitely welcomed).
6.) Canada going to war (this will never happen).
7.) France winning a war (this will never happen).
8.) Significant Other wearing something from the Victoria’s Secret commercial.

Happy 20th Birthday

And of course, be sure to wish Jamie a happy birthday. The puppy in a ziploc bag has been mailed and is on its way.

Who does this look like?

1.) Someone who wakes up in Boston and eats sugar cereal with movie trivia on the back?
2.) Someone who got up at 1:00pm because he want back to sleep after breakfast?
3.) Someone who has seen “Closer“, “In Good Company“, and “Elektra” in the past 9 days?
4.) Someone who moved to Boston and landed the first job he ever interviewed for?
5.) Someone who landed said job and immediately started writing a Xanga post in celebration?
6.) Someone who gets more e-mail from FaceBook.com than anything else?
7.) The World’s most eligible bachelor in the New England Area within a 5 foot radius of my computer?

Romantic Even for Two by Yourself

If you guessed all 7 as being me you win the grand prize. The grand prize is a romantic fun filled evening starting at the restaurant of your choice. Here you can pretend I paid and provided humorous insightful conversation. Recommended dining:

Next is your choice of movie and concessions where you once again you pretend I pay. Followed by you walking yourself to the door and melting you with a great kiss from yourself, at which point you invite yourself in and have a steamy make-out session. And the next day you get up and never call yourself back. Such as…

Press Release to the Single Ladies

Beaker, CNN.com’s leading Boston field reporter filed this earlier today: “Single ladies across the continent and around the much of the globe we’re disappointed when flowers and diamonds didn’t arrive after the Popes last blog posting.

When asked to comment on the subject the Pope released the following statement from the window of his sister’s apartment: `I can’t please all the ladies all the time. I mention flowers and diamonds once and people think I’ve gone from humorist blogger to debonair de romance de jour overnight. I am well aware the ladies want me, but I’m more aware of why.’” In the brief appearance it was noted the normal Papal hat, known as Hat, had been replaced with a more comfortable hoodie from his high school days.

The last part of the statement was in regards to the popular quote regarding the arch-bishop Sock Monkey, `The way to Sock Monkey is through Seth.’” Sock Monkey, who is most likely the next in line for the papacy, could not be reached as he is busy helping shoot the newest `Soxxx Go Wild: Laundry mat’ with famous stinky sock rapper Fifty-Scent.

State of Forgetting

There are a few people (Kara) still confused by or not caught up with my move, so I’ve decided to illustrate this with the help of a map. I moved from Oklahoma (red state) to Massachusetts (blue state). I took the liberty to mark the map with pertinent information.

Note: the blurry text in the middle is Xanga’s fault as they recompress all images you upload, which can lead to funky things. The blur on the left says “Gold” the blur in the middle says “Napoleon Dyanmite“

As you can see by this map, no one is sure what the exact location of Massachusetts is. All experts agree on is that the New England states should combine into a bigger state in transformers-into-optimus-prime type fashion. Also Canada and Mexico have been replaced by much less threatening blank spaces. New England states are similar to microwave nachos…you know there are individual chips, but you can’t distinguish them because of the melted cheese over the top, which in this case would be snow.

Here are the interesting facts about that map (please note, I am not trying to make a point. these facts are simply interesting)…

1.) Blue states voted Democratic. Red states voted Republican.
2.) Blue states pay more in taxes to the Federal government than they recieve in funding. Red states recieve more in Federal govenment funding than they pay in taxes. In other words, Red states function becauce Blue states pay for it.
3.) The population of Blue states has a higher level of education than Red states.
4.) The population of Blue states has a higher IQ the Red states.
5.) The population of Blue states make more money the Red states.

State of Forgetting

I bought my ticket packed my suit case (yes, just one) and headed out becase I figure I have my whole life to graduate college. If suddenly colleges disappear, then we have bigger things to worry about such as rampaging suicidial aliens with ray guns, anti-gravity machines, and the technology to make airplane food good.

No civilization is going to travel the fathomless distances of space if they have to eat Delta quality in-flight meals the entire voyage. This is why we should warmingly invite invading alien hordes in the optimisim that after being there slaves for thousands of years they might share this technology.

On the other hand, perhaps the secret is this: we are their in-flight meals, meaning the Donnor party were pioneers in the travel food industry years ahead of their time. This would save a lot of space on airplanes. Passengers would simply have tomake sure they checked the “No, don’t eat me in-flight” box while purchasing tickets.