I was a bit suspicious about the Candy Chalk, but for the record: I handed it to Chris - he looked at the package and with all seriousness said “Oh, huh. It really is candy.” He’d have had some, but I wouldn’t share.

Note: How do you like the new icon up there? I’ve got some great banners to post, but Xanga has changed their picture management to version “Sucks ass 1.2″

Fruit Rollup Underwear

One must be a real Don Juan to make edible underwear successful. Imagine the mood has been set with a bottle of wine, candles burning on the mantle, and good music pouring out of the speakers. Your lover looks at you passionately and says “I’m going to eat your underwear.” Doesn’t have quite the same smooveness as “I’m going to nibble up the back of your calves” or “here comes the love train” or whatever she/he says to get you in the mood.

Watts your IQ?

A lot of hormone ridden guys believe loud thumping speakers in the back of their car or a lack of muffler is going to get them some muffler without the ler. The same way a dorm room full of posters of half clothed women will get them that half that isn’t clothed. A speaker system in your car with more more watts than your IQ is sad, especially when you consider you can only fit about 2 to 4 good size speakers in your car and have room for the groceries your mom sent you for.

Take Reese’s Geometro, which should be made of amethyst geodes and called the Geodemetro. On a hot day when the metal frame is fully expanded you can fit two 19 inch speakers in the back. But if we put tweeters in the back we could fit a good ninety 3-inch tweeters. Then we could drive around pumping out WUMB 91.9 FM broadcast out of Boston. It is the only full time folk music radio station in the world.

Even Dinosaurs have Clipping Problems

Last week I went to the Museum of Science here in Boston. Outside is this dinosaur statue. Apparently T-rex didn’t need big arms because he had mad telepathic powers. A word of warning about the kids in the museum, they know nothing about theoretical math or physics so don’t ask them to explain things. I saw an Omnixmax movie about lions. The male lions are like college students - they sit around being lazy, take a bath sometimes, hope someone brings them food to eat, and occasionally mate.

Housed in the museum is the original Vandegraff generator made by Vandegraff (hence the name) to separate atoms. At most science museums they have a Vandegraff generator of small size that when touched makes your hand stand straight out. Recently a few conservative states have tried buying it as they were mistaken it was an Adam separator. Aside from being a phallus joke waiting to happen, it can create lightening, which is a show they have. At the show they also have some huge Tesla coils.

Mr. Tesla actually built a 200 foot Himself-coil capable of lighting bulbs through the air up to 20 miles away. Of course, if a small Tesla coil makes small sparks and small noises, and a medium coil makes medium sparks and small noises, then a 200 foot Tesla coil is a permanent fire works display. A Tesla coil creates radio waves, and this is the way the original radio transmissions were broadcast. So, when you look at an icon for radio the lightening bolts aren’t to signify the radio waves but rather the gigantic sparks that arced off the towers during transmission.

Puberty Test

This image is located by the one of the main children’s areas in the museum. I was a bit surprised. However, in studies of this picture children who have yet to reach puberty see dolphins, which means the rest of us are perverts.

Operation Color Guard

I’ve decided to play Operation (by Milton Bradley) with the ol’color scheme here. Instead of using x-acto knife type prowess I’m going at it with a wrench and a shaky hand. The goal of a scheme is to say “Damn, this place looks good. It could be a model.” My schemes usually say “You have entered the domain of an uncolor coordinated male who is color and or completely blind.” In orchestration I’ll add background music by Stevie Wonder arrange by Ray Charles and sung by Helen Keller. That’s how graceful my color scheme’s are.

A plain white background is similar to staring into a flood light when you’re reading the site at 4am and says “Doesn’t this place look professional and clean? You could eat off this monitor.” Perhaps the background picture should be a “100 bajillion watt” light bulb symbol or a cafeteria tray. I want something that look goods, but not fruffy, and has a hint at how nice colors are if put in capable hands.

Remember the Alamo?

Neither do I. And if I had been there I’d be repressing the memories with alcohol and blogs. Similar to the current life, except I’m not repressing anything with the alcohol and blogs. But since we brought the topic up, we should discuss the vastly misused land known as Texas. It is filled with many things that are okay, such as tumbleweeds and Walker Texas Ranger, though Mr. Norris is from Oklahoma.

Texas has a lot of tumbleweeds, which are accredited with inventing Texas Hold’em in order to gain lands from the Native Americans. They held a national monopoly until we came and put fences up to stop the tumbleweeds and handed out blankets.

Reese and I have an enthusiasm for stacking colored pieces of plastic in varying heights and moving them about and have therefore joined a free Texas Hold’em league. As we both qualified as being in the top 100 players (after only 2 games - we had som good luck to say the least) this weekend we compete in a Texas Hold’em Tournament for the chance to win a trip to Vegas. Has anyone see the new show “Tilt”? With all the shows girls it might as well have been called “L’Tit“.

“1 in 72,193.33? So you’re saying there is a chance?”

Last night at Texas Hold’em I landed a straight flush, the odds of which are 1 in 72,193.33. I had a King and Four, both of spades. The flop was : 2 of spades, 3 of spades, 7 of clubs. The turn : 5 of spades. The river: 6 of spades. A few hands later I had the Ace and King of hears which are like hearts but misspelled, and the Jack and Ten of hearts came out - the Queen never did. That would have been amazing, because those odds are like 1 in 640,000ish.

Adventures to soon be Posted

Tonight I’m getting Adobe Photoshop set up so I can show you pictures of the great adventures we’ve been having. These include: moving in to the apartment, finishing training at work, selling a lady a trip to Portland, Maine instead of Portland, Oregon, Chris and Reese arriving, getting all of our furniture for free, driving a U-Haul down tiny Boston streets, DDR at the local theater, choreographing “Oops I did it again”, a letter writing campaign, Kylie’s visit, going to NYC and seeing a real life pimp - he had the outfit and everything, becoming his bitch, meeting our awesome neighbors, eating KFC at night by the ocean (which Reese has yet to see), repainting the apartment, having 3 children, Sock Monkey running away, breaking the laptop, pizza being ordered for me from 1600 miles away, fixing the laptop, having the heater die after a snow storm, $5 pizza and $5 champagne nights (1 pizza and bottle per person), and tomorrow’s adventure is stand up comedy by me and DDR Night with friends at our Young Adult Church Evening.

In sad news the Pope died, but he is what doctors referred to as “an old fart” so it was expected. Cut some slack - I didn’t see he was a religious farce - I said fart. It is a technical term… now. And on another sad not Mitch Hedburg, the talented comedian, was found dead in his hotel room this past week. He was 37 and was one of the sharpest comic wits about. We’ll miss both of them.

The Invasion of Sock Monkey

As Chris’ computer is never anywhere other than the middle of crashing like an Amtrak train and my laptop is a fancy paper weight until an operating system is on it, I have left you with a link to Jamie’s page. Currently she is under invasion by the ever famous Sock Monkey. Yes, the one and only Sock Monkey is currently in Stillwater, Oklahoma.

Here are a few pictures to keep your fancy until Windows is on a stable computer in our apartment. I promise I am back and that funny post are on the way, but not until Lappy 486 is up and running.

He is such the ladies man.

See what I mean. I think it is because he knows how to tie a tie - I still use clip ons.

Nothing like drinks on Africa.

Yea, he drinks everything on the rocks.

He’ll do anything with salsa for money.

Highway patrolman version of Sock Monkey.

Sock Monkey putting on the smooth moves with the ladies once again.