Oklahoma has good sides

Thanks for all the condolence cards, but I am still alive, kicking, and busy. Currently Boston is under a re-enactment of the Biblical Forty Days of Rain. It has rained here every day for the past three weeks. Aside from buffing up my Ark building skills using lumber, or as my angry land lord called it “siding,” (As in “Why the choice_expletive are you taking siding off the house?”) I ventured to Oklahoma for four days.

Our good friend Dusty was married on the 21st of May. Reese was the Best Man and I was a groom’s man meaning our attendance was required. Being a groom’s man always sparks interesting conversations…

Tiffany: “You’re a groom’s man. Do you know what that means?”
Me: “I get to sleep with a bride’s maid.”
Tiffany: “I’ve been a bride’s maid four times.”
Me: “What are you trying to tell me here?”

The wedding was lovely. We wore black slacks, pink shirts in a manly fashion, and our traditional Converse sneakers brought the attire together. Even the Bride had Converse for the occasion. One of the greatest parts of a wedding, for those of us not getting the benefits of the Honey moon, is the Bachelor party.

For many people the Bachelor party translates in to strippers and booze. Last time we translated it as “dodge ball with tennis balls powered by tennis rackets.” Of course, our standard rule is no aiming for the face on purpose. This time it translated as “flying kites out of the bed of a pickup while shooting off bottle rockets.” The standard “no aiming for the face” rule still applied. The best part was the Bottle Rocket that looped up, flew back in to the truck, and exploded under me - luckily I was wearing slacks I had borrowed.

Congratulations on your Graduation

Today a lot of our friends are walking across college stages and receiving their diplomas. After years of hard academic work the University has decided to grant you a degree because you gave them a significant amount of money, which is something they like. A lot. If you are ever lost or stranded you have no reason to fear. The Alumni Association will come and find you as they want your money now more than ever and will do anything to secure/con it. You also put in hard work.

You’ve spent a massive amount of money over the last several years. You’ve paid to share a bathroom with 35 other people, to have lightening fast internet, to be subjected to poor dietary choices, to eat Taco Mayo everyday, to volunteer to take classes that kept you up working constantly, to make friends, to get up at 6:59am to make it to 7:00 class but chose to sleep in instead. But relax, it was someone else’s money. From here on out you choose who you share a bathroom with.

Relax…

Now you depart for the real world. Never again will you wake up at 11:00am and realize there is a six page paper with 1 inch margins, 8 pt Times New Roman font, single spaced, about the process of the Neodialectic constructivism and constructivism of the posttextual paradigm of context and cultural rationalism is due at 10:30am on the other side of campus. This is good of course.

Now you get to go out, find a job, find a spouse, have kids, own a BBQ, go back for rivalry football games, and eventually send your own offspring to college. Don’t get depressed about the job search - you will find a job, but it takes effort. The average college student’s starting job pays $23,400. About one third of you will move back in with family for a while. There is no shame in that - you just graduated college. It doesn’t mean you are suddenly financially sound.

You will finally understand tax season, night caps, SUVs, hemmroids, and heart burn. You will still not understand the opposite sex, why people wear turtle necks (some of the most extensive research in the world is centered on this question), stupidity, tax forms, or Organic Chemistry II. Except Kara, she understands Organic Chemistry very well.

Be sure to get the home mailing address of your friends before you head off to do great things. Don’t worry - the Alumni Association already has your address. Some people you will keep in touch with. Some you won’t. Some you’ll bump into in very strange places later and wonder “Why didn’t I think of that?” Such as behind the counter of the local sex store, or behind the gun robbing your bank, or delivering the State of the Union Address. Be sure to look back with fondness.

Uses for the Diploma other than Employment?

Here are some ideas of what you can do with your degree once you’ve laminated it.

1.) Use it as a place mat in order to show everyone where the good conversation will be. You’ve learned some big words - be sure to use them.
2.) Place it in the windshield of your parked car to block out the hot summer sun. People won’t break in to your car for fear all they will find is used text books.
3.) When your kids finger paint, place it underneath the paper to keep paint off the carpet or kitchen counter. It is laminated, so it won’t hurt anything.
4.) Roll it up and act like it is a megaphone or telescope. If you don’t mind folding it, make a nice paper boat out of it that doubles as a hat. You are now captain of le cubicle.
5.) A welcome mat for your house or your parents. “You must be this smart to enter”.
6.) Hang it over your Brittany Spears calendar when your hot date comes over.
7.) Hold it over your head in rain storms. Umbrellas are for the uneducated.
8.) Wear it around your neck and stand at a street corner with an empty cup in hand.
9.) To keep your shoes clean, lay it down over mud puddles before crossing. Who says chivalry is dead?
10.) As a germ guard at a public bathroom. This isn’t very logistical, but if you absolutely are in dire straits then remember it is a possibility.
11.) To wall paper 1 square foot of your house or hang it above your bed. You can tape it to the mirror that is up there already
12.) A dry erase board. You can make it say thing such as “Jurist Doctorate” and such using this method. Or spruce it up with some dinosaurs chasing cavemen.

Congratulations. The world is very big and we are quite tiny. So go and explore every last inch you can fit yourself in to - that is why we are here. Try not to correct other people too much while out there, instead try to enjoy them. Travel, drink, be marry, get married. Live.

Audience, this is my new pair of shoes. These are Pumas. They aren’t simply shoes, they are a fashion statement, they are a ferocious animal with the power to rip out your jugular if I whispered the right command word. These are power with arch support.

They are light, flatten to 1/2 an inch (perfect for traveling), are form fitting, have neat racing stripes down the side to let other pedestrians (henceforth referred to as “victims” or “the impressed“) know just how fast I am, and are made of a light weight mesh that lets fresh air or  lets bad odors out - it is the shoe version of the “1/2 empty, 1/2 full” question.

When you thought it couldn’t get any better, it does. Even more impressive than those fine selling points is this: I can change pants without taking my new shoes off. This was discovered after the following, fairly one sided, conversation…

Seth: “I could change pants without taking my shoes off probably.”
Seth jumps up from the couch, runs in to his room, and returns to the living room wearing a different pair of pants
Reese: “Okay.”

No longer is this a theory of modern puma physics, but rather it has become a law. The Law of the Puma. I only have dress shoes here, and I was in need of everyday shoes that were also perfect for Dance Dance Revolution. Especially since we live about 15 minutes from the MIT arcade that has two DDR machines costing only $0.50 for 3 songs.

Semester’s End

The use of the “semester” as a measurement of time will never leave my system. I’ve been living here in Boston a few days under a full semester, which is scary. First, it means it has been a long while since my body was subjected to the delicious horror known as “Taco Mayo”… I actually craved a nacho supreme without beans recently. Withdrawal.

The real world has been subjected to me for a lenghtening period of time now. I wear my hat every where, which is great because people (such as the bank tellers) remember who I am. It is my trade mark. People probably give me better service for fear I’m in the mafia.

The real world is nice, but it does eat into Xanga time. Or was it Xanga ate into studying time? Working from 11am to 7pm five days a week is fine. I sleep until 9:30am because it is a fact nothing useful can be done from 8:00am to 9:30.

Good things about being in the real world…
1.) I have no homework.
2.) I have an income.
3.) Night caps.

Bad things about being in the real world…
1.) Not as much time for video games as desired.
2.) Cable isn’t free and neither is the internet.
3.) Taco Mayo is not easily accessible.
4.) I still encounter stupid people on a daily basis.

Things that never change…
1.) Still have to pay off student loans.
2.) Alcohol is still cheap.
3.) Same kind of immature jokes are made in the work place.
4.) I’ll sleep until 3:30pm if allowed
5.) Laundry still doesn’t magically clean itself.

Slowly everyone is gravitating to Boston. We have people coming for a week or so for the next few months almost. It is great to show people a state with things to do other than watch wheat and broken down combines.

I am all for saving time - combine processes to be more efficient. This leads to a logical question:  Why shouldn’t we be able to have breakfast along with a nightcap? This is why I am petitioning General Mills to create Night Cap Pop tarts… Cognac, Zinfandel, and Parrot Bay would be the initial launch flavors.