Quote:
“Cats are sharks except on land, cuter, and holdable. You can hold a shark, but you’re either very wet or dead.”

Announcement: Since there has been a spoting of the famous “One is the Loneliest Number” kid (or as Jamie’s typo called him “One is the Longest Number”) there is now an official One is the Loneliest Number facebook group for a limited time only.

“The Aristocrats!”

This morning I woke up and played Burnout 3, a racing game that rewards the player for driving in to oncoming traffic, smashing opponents, forcing them in to columns and off bridges. Basically, the way you wish driver’s education had been. Risks = Rewards. Originally it was titled “Soccer Mom: Keller Style”.

Next it was time for work at STA Travel. The highlight of the day was the bagel I ate for lunch while reading about Super String Theory and the math behind it. After work is the next meal of the day. For dinner I had a second job. Yes, I am gainfully employed twice. I have an affinity for working at places starting with “Sta”, which means I save money by altering my business cards to reflect both jobs.

Yes, I now work at STA Travel and Staples.

Questions Answered

Last weekend I answered the age old question: “What is better than 15 records no one would ever buy?”
Answer: “Finding them in a grab sack for $3.15.” At Planet Records I purchased a grab bag of 15 records for $3.15. We were expecting the selection to be the aural equivalent of a “kick to the nuts”. And for the most part it was.

And now for the joke

We headed to the local theater on Friday night to see “The Forty Year Old Virgin”, which I’d seen last weekend in New York City (featured in an upcoming post). Instead we saw the movie “the Aristocrats“, which is a documentary about the most famous joke among Comedians.

The joke is an improv bit. The opening line is “A man walks in to a talent agency” and then the performer takes the joke from there. One of the funniest versions of this joke is the South Park Version, which you can download by right clicking here and chosing “Save As…”.

It was hysterical. The best performances were…
1.) Sarah Silverman - She is the goddess of female comedians. This woman amazes me. She wants to have my babies. Or is it the other way around?
2.) Kevin Pollack - Doing an impression of Christopher Walkin telling the joke.
3.) A Mime - Proof that a good mime can do anything.
4.) Andi Dick - Hysterical.

Club Dolphin: New Orleans

On April 14th, 2004 I started a campaign to save New Orleans from the DFWD (dolphins for world domination). Not enough people joined to help my cause, and now the DFWD have unleashed Hurricane Katrina to turn New Orleans in to a dolphins only Jazz and Blues club.

Why didn’t you join before it was too late?

(click here for the posting of the original attempt)

I must be a fucking genius.

The one thing my cell phone doesn’t do.

I took a bit of a break, but I’m back. Oh yea, I skinned my site to make things more simple.

Quote:
Jamie: “I am eating orange juice I froze in the freezer.”
Me: “Baby, We’re one step from inventing the popcicle.”

Sanctioned Food Relief

In the last post you were left wondering what I had received for my birthday. My guess of steaks and a pet polar bear named Augusta was not far from the mark. I am now the proud owner of polar bear steaks, or rather, Omaha Steaks - made from only the freshest, most moral, hand picked Nebraskan Lutherans of 1917 to ensure purity and wholesomeness of taste.

From my brother John’s family I received a generous gift certificate to iTunes. Once again my iPod and I are in a serious relationship.

From my dear Jamieheadface I received a beautiful book on the architecture of Gaudi (my hero) and a nicely decorated box to keep letters from her in. I tried to post the pictures, but I’ve surpassed my 20mb Xanga picture limit.

The Next Great Invention

On a side note, I’d like to a British Thermal Unit when I grow up.

To my disappointment the popcicle has already been invented. Therefore I’ve taken it upon myself to improve the invention. First, I created a list of the greatest inventions ever. Then I crossed off the inventions I have no access to and used the remainder of the list as inspiration:

1.) Post-it notes
2.) Breasts
3.) Popcicles
4.) Money
5.) Canada

You should be able to independently reach the conclusion…

Post-it notes + Popcicles = Postitcles…

…the flavorful cold snack you can stick to anything. Marketed specifically to people working in offices, Postitcles come in a variety of office supply named flavors, such as Strawberry Staple, Mint Manila Envelope, and Watermelon Waste basket.

Quote:
“That is the problem with bricks. If too many get together they will build a house. Same thing happens with Japanese, except they will build a factory and produce a better product.”

Quote:
“My blue marker ran out. Then I found one, but then my mustard ran out. It is a dog eat dog world.”

404 Hard drive Not Found

Unfortunately, the world is plotting against me and this blog. Each time I get in to the swing of commenting and posting my computer crashes down before me. Last time my computer went down I managed, on a miracle, to boot it again (but not by repairing the problem).

Being no fool I was leaving the computer on permanently. This plan was going fine until I was chatting with Jamie online and turned the power strip off with my foot, and now I can’t get my computer to boot once again.

I sneak up on my computer several times each day, press the power button in hopes of seeing a Windows boot screen, but instead am usually greeted by a “Failure to boot hard disk 0.”

You could blame Dell, or Maxtor, or my foot. But it is easier to blame Jamie.