You can Garelick my balls

In the North East once of the better known dairy suppliers is Garelick. Each time I get one of their chocolate milks, I spend the entire time trying not to laugh so hard milk blows out my nose. I can’t help but hear Owen Wilson saying “You can Garelick my balls.” (This is a reference to Zoolander, not a secret fantasy.)

As I couldn’t organize my thoughts for a grand Unified Theory of Blog, first suggested by Einstein, this post is a farrago. On a side note, I think Shakespeare missed out on the dirty limerick market niche. He was a guy, which means at some point one of his plays had a character named Teats McGee.

Last night we watched the movie Saved. Hysterical.

I am the proud owner of Virtua Fighter 4: Evolution. This won’t interest many of you. For those of you who do care it is the most in depth fighting game I’ve ever played. No button mashing luck here. This game is 100% skill and takes hundreds of hours to master. In this game you will never suffer a loss due to someone’s beginner’s luck. Beginner’s luck only happens in two situations…

1.) You’re being husseled.
2.) What you’re competing in requires no true skill.

Somewhere in the darkest depths of a cubicle dungeon is a man whose job is creating new types of three ring binders. He must be stopped.

First, there are sizes, 1/2 inch, 1 inch, 1 1/2 inch, 2 inch, 3 inch, and 4 inch. Next, there are colors red, white, blue, black, green, chartreuse, maroon, periwinkle, gray, and orange. Finally there are styles: heavy duty binders, heavy duty view binders, heavy duty reference binders, heavy duty reference binders with labels, durable binders, durable view binders, durable reference binders, and durable reference binders with labels. Did I mention each is a different price?

It burns me up

“I wonder what happened to Awesome Dude (Will Ferrel’s dog)?”

The mishandling of the Katrina disaster is a direct reflection of the leadership of our nation. I know Presidents pad the government with their friends, but could we limit this to people somewhat qualified people? Both parties do this, and it equally pisses me off. I’m aware of the functions of FEMA, but everyone admits Katrina has been a huge embarassment. My point here is that the people heading FEMA don’t belong there.

Quoted from USA Today…

“But a deeper review of the agency’s history, the records of its top managers and internal memoranda reveal far deeper problems than a momentary burst of poor decisions. Over the past four years, the Bush administration has replaced competent leaders with people long on political connections but short on disaster management expertise…

Since Katrina, blame for FEMA’s blundering has zeroed in on the agency’s director, Michael Brown. His failure should not have been a surprise. He had almost no experience in disaster work before he was appointed in 2003 by President Bush, and confirmed by the Senate, to lead the agency. Before joining FEMA as its counsel in 2001, Brown, a friend of the FEMA director who hired him, worked for nine years as a commissioner at an Arabian horse association.

 
[To quote Louis Black "Yes, I said a horse. As in giddy-up, giddy-up, yee-haw!" Seriously, what the hell is this man going to do? Give every FEMA worker a horse and mask so they can ride around on the sunset horizon raring their horse like the Lone Ranger?]

But that’s only the tip of FEMA’s management problems. Brown’s top deputy, Patrick Rhode, is equally inexperienced, according to his resume. Rhode worked for Bush’s 2000 campaign and for the White House doing advance operations. Another senior FEMA manager, Daniel Craig, had been a lobbyist for electric cooperatives.

[Yes, as in "Take my money and vote my way!" I've got it! We can soak up the water with dollar bills!]

In addition, FEMA has seen an exodus of experienced officials over the past four years. By the time Katrina struck, three senior positions were either vacant or filled on an “acting” basis, including the director running Katrina-ravaged Mississippi and Alabama.”

Update: 40 Year Old Virgin is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. I’ve seen it twice in theater. How is it that movie is #1 two weeks in a row, and no one I know has seen it? There are hundreds of jokes I can’t reference because you’ve not seen the movie yet.

Now for my impression of our gas stove: hisssssssssss………………

Quotes from Chris’ dinner party

“Gas is higher than the gold standard.” - Denez

“A black man is lighting fires in our yard. That is a role reversal.” - said as Chris was lighting 18 citronella candles. Our backyard looked like the Ewok village in the Star Wars or as though peasants were storming the castle.

“I’d like to see the Pope do a head spin in his hat.” - Me
“He’d never do that because then the religion might appear silly.” - Mike

“I’d been vegetarian for a while before I really liked vegetables.” - Taylor, said as though she had contract vegetarianism from a casual sexual encounter. She apparently lost a lot of weight in that transition.

Why Scott Ridley Owes our Landlord $50

A few months ago we watched the movie Aliens, one of the greatest sci-fi movies ever. We’d made 4 huge pots of popcorn on the stove. This was before we’d obtained our collection of movie popcorns buckets, so we’d hauled all of the pots and pans in to the living room to hold our popcorn supply. After the movie was over I led the way down the dark hallway and towards the kitchen.

Halfway down the hallway is a pull-chain for the light. The pull-chain is maybe a foot long and hangs well above head level. My arms were full of pots and I couldn’t simply reach up and pull the chain by hand. I’d watched an hour and a half of Aliens, so I thought to myself: If an alien needed to use the pull chain, he’d open his mouth and a vicious little thing would shout out of his throat, grab the pull chain, and turn the light on. I don’t have a little vicious thing that shouts out of my throat, but I do have a mouth.

I tried to jump up, grab the pull chain with my mouth, and turn on the light. I didn’t even get close. I tried again - still no luck. Now I was determined. I put the pots down so I could crouch down and get a proper jump.

 
(If your alien is as big as your face, you might have cancer.)

Now, I know everyone is saying “Why don’t you reach up and turn the damn light on with your hand?” That is not the point. The point is I wanted to do it with my mouth. I never claimed it was an intelligent thing to do, rather a fun thing to do.

I crouched down, jumped, the light turned on, and when I came down the pull chain was broken from the fixture and was hanging from my mouth. But I’d done it - I turned the light on with my mouth, just like an Alien. Then we got a stool and unscrewed the light bulb before it got too hot and didn’t have a functioning light fixture until our landlord replaced it three months later.

Brain Narfs

Through a scientific process I have determined that if you want to maximize your scholarship eligibility you need to be a left handed bisexual transvestite Jewish vegetarian who is a member of the Woodsman of the World organization.

“I live with my roommate.” Yes, someone took the time to explain she lives with her roommate. That is Xanga Featured Content for you. Reading Featured Content makes you more appreciative of any intelligence you or your pet brick have.

I’m going to breed a new type of horses called W, also known as Whorses.

When I am on a quick train of thought my brain often replaces words with similar words, which has led to some interesting ideas and inventions, such as the new dessert sensation in the southern states: Chicken Fried Cake.

Dido is one of my favorite female vocalists because she can sing (a good quality for singers these days) and she has a song about Mary, a young woman who leaves Danny to become a Ninja…

…………………..IGNITE!

Note: The One kid is being spotted left, right, and center.

After After-Work After-Work

Working two jobs is enjoyable. First, I have an abundance of money and no time to possibly spend it - even on booze, child support, or bills - which is good. Second, when I arrive home and watch Law and Order followed by Seinfeld I am justified. As is the pre-dinner Oatmeal Cream Pie while the meat for dinner is defrosting.

STA Travel is the more demanding job and requires a heavy amount of training, patience, and skill. Staples compliments this well in that I am paid $9.35 an hour to show customers where things are. A not-too-bright-monkey or even a decent map could do my job. Thankfully the monkies have been unionized by a local Harvard Square bum (not a hobo - hobos have college degrees and ride trains) channeling the spirit of Jimmy Hoffa, thus giving me job security.

(This picture was included to help people ignore any mediocrity in this post. If I get enough comments I will post another picture of the kitten, otherwise I sell him to the Monkey Union)

Selling Office Supplies is similar to being a used car salesman or an OU student (future used car salesman) in that we lie. A lot. People ask us questions about our products we couldn’t possibly know or don’t get paid enough to learn. For instance take these real conversations, which have been color coded to take a jab at the color blind audience:

Customer: “Which sharpener do you sell more of?”
My Brain: I can explain to her this is my third day of work and I can’t possibly know and that it doesn’t matter because either way the pencil gets sharpened, or I can lie and…
Me: (points to the one with the best color scheme) “That one has more torque and sharpens better.”
Customer:: “And this item says it is a pencil holder. Will the pencils fall out though?”
My Brain: If that was a case it is either a daft name or good marketing. Perhaps both.
Me: (recalling my powers of testimonial propaganda) “One like it sits on my desk, and pencils never randomly fall out of it.”

or…

Customer: “Where are the mattresses located?”
Me: “We’re an office supply store. We don’t carry mattresses.”
Customer: “Have you ever carried mattresses?”
My Brain: “Unless you’re a porn star, mattresses probably aren’t a part of your office supplies.”
Me: “No, you must have us confused with a mattress store.”
Customer: “Oh, okay.”

BoM System

Traditionally companies pay employees by payroll check or direct deposit. I’d like to be paid in Buckets of Money (not to be confused with Barrels of Monkeys). Not only is the BoM system more fun because buckets are better than money. Buckets can be used to pot a plant, make sand castles, stop leaking faucets from flooding the kitchen, carrying water in, sitting on, sitting in, and Darth Vader Impressions. What does money have to say to that?

And For those who missed it the first time around.