Monday February 27, 2006 61
Quote:
“If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”
Fillet of Sadness
Last weekend in the peace and pleasantry of his one gallon world, Mandrake the Betta slipped in to the silence of a forever chlorine-free world at the age of three years. He leaves behind his favorite aquatic photosynthetic companion and life partner known affectionately as “Plant”, approximately one hundred smooth stones, and his owner Seth.
In his honor, I have taken the skills of my Creative Writing classes and crafted a poem worthy of Ezra Pound or William Carlos Williams but better…
Title: Ode to Small Dead Aquatic FriendServing Size: SmallIngredients:1 Betta, 1/10tb Butter, 1 tb Oil, 1/10tb Lemon, 1/10tb Chopped Parsley,1/10cp Steamed Rice, 1 bottle of Chiraz (or fifth of Whiskey)Directions:Form a small bed of rice in the matchbox and place Best Aquatic Buddy Everon bed. Adorn with mixture of butter, oil, lemon, and parsley. Dig one small hole, place matchbox in, and burry. Drink yourself in to sobriety.
Raging Homeostasis
This is the time of year when people often come down with Influenza. But I am warning you that this year something more strange has happened: my raging homeostasis was unbalanced when I didn’t contract the flu, but rather a case of the common diet. The symptoms I suffered last week (head ache, muscle aches, 103 degree fever) were classic of the flu, but there was one major difference: when I weighed myself at the end of last week, I weighed 8 pounds less. And weight loss is, at the least, a side effect of a diet.
Though I recovered, I am suing my Doctor for malpractice because last Tuesday she gave me an X-ray and a blood test to rule out Mono or Pneumonia but she did not test for a possible case of diet. Instead she ruled I had the influenza when I may have had an embarrassing case of Sweating to the Oldies, Southbeach, or even Atkins!
The saving grace is I was given a prescription of Tamiflu, which is made of betterflies. They are similar to butterflies, except you eat them to cure medical conditions, such as influenza, stigmata,discombobulation, or (in my case) the diet. In the wild betterflies and butterflies are virtually indistinguishable and can only be differentiated by comparing their bodies, as shown above. Also, betterflies native habitat is the pharmacy.
I’m also suing because the X-ray and blood test were unnecessary. Simple logic could have been used instead.
1.) Logical proof I did not have Mono: I am Single = No girlfriend = No making out = No Mono.
2.) Logical proof I did not have Pneumonia: I am not in a rest home = I am not old = No Pneumonia.
3.) Logical proof I did not have Pneumonia: I have an immune system + I have never had sex with a Vietnamese prostitute, who had homosexual relations while eating English beef products while living in France for five years while shooting drugs with shared needles = No Pneumonia.
Diet Me
You may be wondering “how can I take advantage of this situation?” or “how is Seth going to take advantage of this?” The answer: I am now offering the diet I contracted to the general public (definition: cute, single females my age with no previous felony convictions).
If you’re a member of the general public and are looking to lose eight pounds then contracting from me is the obvious answer! Act now before my immune system smites the rest of the diet bugs. Losing weight has never been this easy! And if you act now the couch, DVD to be ignored, and low lighting will be provided free of charge.
Not only that, kissing me is safe because we know I don’t have Mono or Pneumonia.
