Quote:
Jen: “Gah, i know. I hate it when you’re out on a date and suddenly that person is like, `so we should plan a june wedding!’ i’m always thinking, gosh, i was considering skipping dessert…”

HomE-mail

The following is what I felt was an entertaining e-mail to my family. It was sent over spring break when I actually could sleep in every morning. It has been somewhat modified…

…”Today I woke up at 12:50pm. Why? Because I’m a college student and stunts like that are allowed. As with every day, I started by checking my e-mail.

I’m always surprised at what interesting e-mails I receive. “You girl is unsatisfied with your potency,” states one subject line in a very authoritative tone. This excites and concerns me. First, excitement - I thought I was single, but apparently I am not. I hoped to find her name and contact information in the text body, but no such luck. Second, concern - I unknowingly have potency problems? This doesn’t seem like a professional manner of breaking the news. However, there is a link, that if clicked on, promises me she won’t leave me for another man. [While posting this, I realized homosexual couples probably never break up because of potency problems. And, the word homosexual is not in the Xanga spellcheck dictionary.]

Another e-mail is offering me an opportunity to refinance my house. Once again two things I am unaware of: Apparently I have a house that I have already financed once. This house must be where Naomi (i hope that is her name) is. No hint of the house location was given.

An opportunity to get ten pairs of underwear in the colors of my choice. These must be for her, because I don’t wear thongs. Apparently my girl does - wherever she may be - and that is exciting. I hope she likes the color plaid.

Finally, there is an online university offering me the chance to get obtain a degree in seven months. It shows how far behind slower major institutions, such as Harvard, Princeton, and Yale are. I can do online for $50.00 what would take me four years and $160,000 to do at an Ivy League university. There are probably even discount tuition coupons in the local yellow pages for the online university.

Rebecca [she and her fiance are searching the market for an apartment], I hope your bid comes with wonderful news. If for unfortunate reasons it doesn’t, I extend the use of my house. I imagine it is located in Manhattan. I have good taste like that. If you see it the spare key is under a potted plant. The plant will most likely be dead, unless Adriana (i hope that is her name) has been keeping up with the chores.

Have a wonderful day my wonderful family,
-Seth”

Unabridged: Why My Cartoons Have No Eyebrows

In Boston I worked with a young lady named Suvi, and in her car I left a clipboard full of one panel cartoons. The cartoons were pretty priceless in my opinion, but I think they might have given her family the wrong impression of me, seeing as the clipboard has never been returned. I am only human and I’d look at the contents of a clipboard left in my car. Though her family is Mormon, surely they are human too and would have looked at the clipboard contents.

The contents of a clipboard would not usually be misleading, but we’re talking about my clipboard people. Do you think it had normal ideas on it? Just imagine the contents of my brain more vividly expressed in cartoons. Yea, now you see the problem.

In fact, the idea for the “Your professional opinion is ‘There’s a gargoyle in my butt’” came from that clipboard. The basic story, which was an autobiography of my imagination (by the way, I am trademark, copyrighting, and patenting the idea of an autobiography of an imagination), is that a young man meets a bank teller. He eventually works up the nerve to ask her out, but it back fires. When he goes to ask for her number he instead blurts out the words “This is a robbery” and proceeds to rob the bank. Their first date is his arraignment.

The immediate problem is that unless I want to pen a cartoon about jail, the plot has been worked in to a corner, and I can only write a limited number of jokes about sodomy. Therefore, Our Hero must serve time unless a valid argument to avoid prison time can be presented to the Judge. Though I am sure it has been tried before, “I blame that woman over there” doesn’t usually serve as a strong solid legal defense. Even if it is true.

At the arraignment (or Date #1) Our Hero suffers a weird medical condition and afterwards, while on bail, visits his Doctor. Our Hero posted bail using the money from the bank robbery. The logic is this: if he is innocent until proven guilty, then the money is legally his until he is found guilty. Legal validity of the argument? In theory it works.

Remember, it is an autobiography of my imaginations fictional events. Weirder things than this story have taken place there.

His Doctor discovers there is a gargoyle living in his butt. How’d it get there and what it is doing is of no concern at the moment because Gargoyles, as we are all aware, are endangered. The court can’t legally endanger the Gargoyle, which will happen if Our Hero goes to prison because everyone in prison ends up being someone’s bitch. To save the Gargoyle from what we will call “undue retribution” or “second hand sodomy” the Judge gives our hero community service instead of a prison sentence.

This is the point where I left the clipboard in Suvi’s car after a fireside service. Later, I think she probably returned to the fireside service and burned the contents of the clipboard. I’ve not spent much time on the cartoon since losing it, but I lately I’ve been thinking up how the relationship between Boy and Teller would have gone.

The biggest problem I have when drawin a cartoon is the fact I cannot draw cartoon people well. I can do serious art well (portraits, paintings, actual drawings). Animals, dinosaurs, tanks, cars, ninjas, invisible spaceships, trees, and a myriad of other objects present no barriers, but I cannot for the life of me draw a person.

When I do drew cartoon people, people in real life tend to point out flaws, such as “He doesn’t have eye brows.” I’m not trying to be Da Vinci or Michelangelo. I’m simply trying to be entertaining, and the last time I checked entertainment does not require eyebrows. The logic is that if Keanu Reeves can entertain people without using his brain, then my cartoons don’t need eyebrows.