Yes Molly Yes

Last night while scanning the subject lines of spam mail for comical failures of the English lanuage (such as “ppenis”), I accidentally referred to spam mail as “sperm mail” (a more accurate term). One of the subject lines caught my attention because it failed to mention mortgages, natural enhancements, or prescription drugs. For a brief moment I feared the god that is Google’s Spam Filter had failed. If true, the next thing to go would be gravity. Then I read the e-mail, one of the strangest things I’ve ever read. But you don’t have to take my word for it…

“The race that one has started in, said he. Ride on. Smaller than the Crocodile Book, which is in rather a dilapidated I thank you, sir, said Mr. Littimer, it has been better made. Multitude of striking clocks, when I was rather surprised to see he to me; but we was company for one another, too, along the dusty understood and appreciated for the first time. I wish Mr. Micawber twinge, and he disclosed how she had a little girl, who, early Yes, yes, I know, said Traddles…”

Since the words were spelled right I concluded that a lexicographer puked in my inbox. He must have been binge drinking because the e-mail is seven times longer than anyone’s attention span. Or he was channeling the spirit of James Joyce, author of “Ulysses” and master of “stream of conscious writing”, which is a technique where poor writing magically transforms into a potential source of topics for doctoral theses. The literary equivalent of giving birth to a unicorn. It makes English majors giddy and gives the rest of us migraines.

The e-mail lead to the birth of two new phrases/words: Molly Bloomed or Joyced. They both mean to vomit in a literary sense. “I got drunk and Molly Bloomed an e-mail to my ex-girlfriend” or “Last night, he Joyced my inbox.” The latter sounds dirtier than I originally intended.

Ecoli Whitney: Inventor of the Cotton Gin and Tonic

The title has nothing to do with the following, except that I liked it. For those who are historians and pathologists, the title was certainly exhilarating and enthralling. You’re welcome (I am a man of entertainment).

For dinner tonight I had two corn dogs (with mustard) and champagne (I am a man of class too). Recently I invented wingerale, a drink that occurs when you forget there is wine left in your glass and you pour in gingerale (i am the Edison of drinks). I drank it because I didn’t want to waste either ingredient. It tasted okay.

To the surprise of some and the relief of others I graduate this spring with a degree in University Studies (i am a man of education). This degree means I’ve paid enough money to receive a degree, but I’ve not taken the right courses to receive a real degree. It is the consolation prize “take home version of the game” so to speak.

My posts start out as a large mass of ideas that I polish and blend together. Often the original version of a post is two or three times longer than the finished post. Because of this I think my posts are short to medium in length, whereas readers find them long or longer. Therefore I am attempting to limit posts to 450 words (roughly). Perhaps more people will read the entire posts, and I should be more consistent with posts (smaller posts more often instead of longer posts at large intervals).

Stay Classy Whale’s Vagina.

I dedicate this update to Rejcel, whose sanity must be saved.

New, Delicious Species Discovered

At Wal-Mart Laura and I spotted a new fruit. It was round, green, and looked similar to an undeveloped artichoke. One was brown on the outside and split open, so I poked its insides and discovered it had a stale marshmallow texture. Using powers of deduction I realized it had to be either the spore of an alien life form or a chimmy-chonga. Either way I didn’t want to eat it because if it was an alien life form, then surely it would burst out of my stomach in a few short hours of gestation. If it was a chimmy-chonga it would most likely cause gas.

Laura stole the sticker off the fruit and discovered it is called a “cherimoya”. That is suspiciously close to “Cherynobyl”. I recommend keeping one in a dark area for twenty four hours of observation. If it glows, feed it to the neighbors dog or to the neighbors (depending on whichever scenario works best for your property value.

Laura researched it on the Google.com Crime Lab (she searched for “cherimoya, justin timberlake, free credit report, spring break”. Turns out this magical fruit not only looks like magical unicorn droppings, but tastes even better! It is ripe when it has turned brown (like unicorn poo) and is soft like an avocado. A few days later, back at Wal-Mart, I was about to purchase one, but then I saw the $5.00 price tag.

$5.00 is the equivalent of 43 bags of ramen noodles. To put it algebraically, instant gratification < dinner for a month. Actually, I haven’t had ramen noodles in months. But it is hard to justify $5.00 on unicorn droppings when a wedge of brie costs $2.98.

Enjoys Long Walks In The Forest With His Robot

Awesomeness, Acrylic, by Me. 24×18

Painting is something I’ve always enjoyed but rarely done. I have an entire range of things I hope to paint over the next few years, and my notebooks continue to fill with pages dedicated to painting ideas. A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to paint. I chose to mimic one of my favorite online artists, who happens to draw robots in their most native states. And of course, anyone with a robot knows, robots love to walk in the woods because they actually descended from the Cherokee indians.

Every morning I get to wake up to a robot walking in the woods. Sometimes I stand there and stomp back and forth pretending to join him. It makes my imagination feel good. On another artistic note, I’ve want to read and write with my left hand, so I’ve started to practice drawing and writing left handed.

[adult pirates]

I love to watch [adult swim]. Cartoon Network is a great example of knowing your target audience. They play the shows every college age guy likes: Family Guy, Harvey Bird Man, Venture Brothers, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and more! Not only are the shows entertaining, but their advertising is some of the most creative content generated. Recently they had an add that went like this…

“Hollywood claims movie piracy costs the economy $20 billion.
We say that it costs the movie industry $20 billion.
Surely that money does goes in to the economy.
People by things like comic books and baby food.
We say movie piracy feeds babies.”

Deep Up Inside

Now I’m going to talk about good, old fashioned American style rhinotillmania (nose picking). It isn’t often I’ve walked in to The Classroom Building and found Devin with her finger lodged up her nose. But one time (October third at 6:30pm CST) it happened. I wouldn’t be a true friend if I didn’t write about it, or point out that Jill and Kate watched. I’d be a lowsy friend to not mention Devin was adjusting the back of her new nose piercing.