Quote:
“To the video game industry, I’m going to do the same thing Richard Simmons did for exercise.” - Me (It is meant as funny and not a jab at his possible sexual orientation)

I see your seven and and raise you thirty.

Last week the Wall Street Journal ran an article about people who gave e-mail up for a week. Congrats to Jeff Clark (a friend of mine) and Moby (world famous DJ) for their success. Where were the reporters in 2005 when I gave up Xanga and my iPod for 30 days? Not only that, I did it when my site had reached its highest levels with over 2,500 unique view a month. (And before someone jumps up and says “You did it for Lent.” I didn’t actually do it for Lent, but I happened to give it up at the same time as Lent.)

The point is real men do everything in sets of thirty. Thirty beer. Thirty women. Thirty ninjas. Thirty bullets. Seven is the generic go to prime number; the numeric equivalent of a slut.

Now each media outlet is copying the Wall Street. On the Today Show one of the producers attempted to last a week without a cell phone or e-mail. Where Jeff and Moby succeeded, this man miserably failed. He acted as though the cell phone doubled as his dialysis machine. He broke down, on national television, crying about it. That brings up the number one rule of survival…

1.) The people who whine the most get eaten first.

The all new FFFAAA

According to the O’Colly, in an apparent budget crunch the Federal Aviation Administration has turned duties over to the youth of the Future Farmers of America. When asked how he felt about his new flight responsibilities, champion cow shower Tom Bingham observed that “Planes have wings and go real high.”

Why does a free newspaper say “25 cents” in the corner? For geeks out there, #FFFAAA is a terrible yellow color.

Sexy Politicians

Has anyone read the pornographic version of Lord of the Rings? It features Frodo Tea-Baggins, Samwise Gametes, and Gandolf the Gray Donkey.

I misquoted in the last post. I can’t believe I have to write this, but apparently Howard Dean’s looks are nothing compared to that hunk of man John Edwards is. Here is an actual transcript of a conversation from last weekend (I recently purchased my own stenographer)…

Laura: “It should have been John Edwards. Mary and I have a thing for John Edwards. He is more ravishing than Howard Dean.”
Mom: “Yes, he is.”
Me: “What the hell?”

Is Edwards truly the hulking sexual beast that Dean can never hope to be?

Quote: “I want a president with Obama’s attitude, Hillary’s pant suits, and Howard Dean’s looks.” - Mary Paige

Note: There are 168 hours in a week. By the time I subtract my class load (studio, advanced c++, visual basic, statistics), three part time jobs on campus, robots, independent research, sleep, defenestration, and homework, there isn’t much time left over.

Missed Connection:
Me, attractive submarine captain. You, Los Angeles Class Nuclear Submarine

About two weeks ago, as I walked to class in my Cold Weather Attire, I spotted you submerged in the Theta Pond. My nautical charts quivered. If you’re in to casual encounters I’d love to sink my battle ship in your diving waters.

Anna Nicole Has Never Been Hot

I don’t understand the hype surrounding Anna Nicole Smith’s death. First, who ever found her attractive? The fact that she is the most popular center fold in Playboy history is concerning and makes me vomit in my mouth. A lot. As a quote, Anna Nicole would be “Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof”. Liking Anna Nicole (instead of, Victoria Silverstedt for instance), is the equivalent of marrying Roseanne when you could have married Sarah Silverman or Tom Arnold.

I wanted to post a hot Tom Arnold picture, but there are too many to choose from. And there isn’t room here to do my Tom Arnold collage justice. Hell, it barely fits on my ceiling. Thankfully her name is used with Nicole or she would have single handedly ruined the name Anna. Calling her “Anna” instead of “Anna Nicole” is an insult to the great Anna’s of the world.

The last week of news could only get better if Anna Nicole had died while foiling Nowak’s (the evil astronaut) scheme.

(AP - MIAMI, FL) - “I’d have gotten away with it, if it hadn’t been for Anna and her meddlesome breasts,” Nowak yelled as bailiffs removed her from the air lock.

Safety Dance

Be sure to check out SafeNow.Org to see the full interpretation of the Homeland Security’s terrorism graphics. It is so funny you’ll be envious that you didn’t think of it.

Quote:
Sponge Bob: “He doesn’t like you.
Squidward: “What should I do?”
Patrick: “Pretend to be somebody else!”

Point:

I’ve been a fan of the Maddox website for ages, and if you’re not sure what site I’m talking about then venture over to Maddox and prepare to enter a world of testosterone levels that will probably clog your monitor. After you visit his site, you willdrive to Lowes, by a shit load of power tools, start construction of a Gaunlet in your back yard, and grow a pair of balls. Not to be vulgar, but his site is that damn intense.

Like a baby on a unicycle being chased by a bear on fire, I find the site endlessly funny. It is the stuff Lumberjacks read, Ninjas kill each other over, that gives Beef Jerky its grit, and that give hard core feminists premature strokes.
Last summer Maddox published a book entitled “The Alphabet of Manliness,” and I wrote him this e-mail about it:

“I’m a long time fan of your site. Back in the days before thousands of people visited it a day. Good job, by the way, on keeping the site going. However, I thought your book was an easy way out. You wasted how many months writing a book about the alphabet? There is nothing special about the alphabet (unless Dylan makes another documentary that you can once again kick in the nuts). Any three year old can recite the alphabet, most six year olds can write the alphabet. Yet that was the best idea you could come up with. I’ll just mark your book down as a practical joke and imagine that somewhere there is a hidden copy of the real book that featured too much bashing, ass kicking, and anti-politically correct content to be published for the masses.

-Seth”

Counter-Point:

To which he gave the response:

“The book had to be timeless. It couldn’t be too similar to the content of my website, because I talk about a lot of current events on my website, such as movie reviews, this 9/11 “Loose Change” article, and emerging trends, none of which would make sense for anyone who picked up the book 10 years from now.

Maddox”

I added the emphasis to the first sentence. As well know, important stuff should be in bold, and really important information should blink. One day my great grand children will take a class on the classic works of Shakespeare, Me, Calvin and Hobbes, Dave Barry, and Maddox.