Quote:
“I want to…umm..uh….I want to do whatever Kiera wants to do. When we….umm….grow up, I’m going to be a Super Hero and Kiera’s going to be a veterinarian.” - Aidan

One Theory of Grande Unification with Soy Milk to Go

Note: I am completely serious about the following. It is 100% true and is in no way a joke. My sister is translating letters from Einstein.

Being part of a large family is nice because someone is always doing something interesting. For instance, my sister Beth is translating letters from German to English. Normally that is not a big big deal, except these letters are between Einstein (yes, THE Einstein) and a young man who later became a famous photographer (I can’t recall his name).

She wouldn’t be translating those letters if she hadn’t been in Starbucks with my niece, who overheard a lady speaking French and wanted to know if Beth spoke a foreign language. That started a discussion with the woman ahead of Beth, which is why several weeks ago we were at our parents fishing, playing chess, and listening to German translations.

I’d hoped the letters might be witty observations (”Toast falls butter side down”), tales of late nights (”I hooked up with that hot girl from the gas spectrometer I mentioned in the previous letter”), or stories about scientific pranks (”The other day we broke in to Hans’ lab and wrapped everything in U.S. War Bonds. Oh! You should have seen the look on his face!”). The letter’s are actually about getting the photographer out of Nazi occupied Germany. An interesting, too serious, not that exciting subject.

Summer Plans

Nothing is more sad than Dan Devito’s career, but wasting a beautiful summer is. To avoid both hazards, I’ve constructed a to do list…

1. Read whenever possible (especially in the shade of a big tree)
2. Play more DDR: Ultimate Universe
3. Catch 15 bugs different bugs and observe each one for a little bit (mason jar ftw!)
4. Fly my Blooregard Q. Kazoo (from Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends) kite
5. Do ten oil paintings
6. Buy new sandals. Mine died yesterday.

What are other people doing with their summers?

Inbox (last semester)

Family,

What I need is input for breakfast in the way of favorite cereals or yogurts or the like. Let me know before Weds 10 am when I will leave to shop.

Again, can’t wait to see you all,
-Mom

Re: Breakfast Shopping

Mom,

The semester is going well, but I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. I visited a health specialist to get his opinion, and he told me that I should stick to a strict breakfast diet of brie and Carr’s water crackers. After reading your e-mail about breakfast requests, I became worried that my new diet my burden you. I contacted my health specialist, and he said that several substitutions might be possible.

For brie, one may substitute lobster tail. And for water crackers, if lobster is being served, a Sauvignon Blanc will suffice.

Love,
Seth

Quote: “I gave life and then took it away. I laid fertilizer and then sprayed pesticide. It was empowering.” - Ben, adventurous co-worker

You’ve Decided to be a Fireman

Before you embark on your new adrenaline pumping, ladder climbing, axe wielding career, take this quit to make make ensure you are up to par.

1. Can you grow a mustache or a beard?
2. Do you own an axe to maintain your beard?
3. Can you knock down doors in bad ass movie-like fashion?
4. Can you tell when something is on fire?
5. If you answered yes, please list the number one indicator of whether something is on fire.
6. Can you tell the difference between a fire truck and a bus? If you answered yes, find and circle the fire truck from the pictures shown.
1. 
2. 
3. 
4. 
7. Which of the following is not a real event on the ESPN Fireman Competitions?
1. Setting Dalmations on Fire
2. Carrying Damsels Down Burning Stairs
3. Is it Hot or Cold
4. Picking Daisies while Skipping
8. Are you fire proof?

Questions 1 through 6 are worth 2 points a piece.
Question 6d is worth 2 points if you circled the second image.
Question 7 is worth -25 points if you chose A, B, or C.
Question 7 is worth 2 points if you chose D.
Question 8 is bonus and is worth 24 points.

If your score is higher than 16, you can be a fireman. If your score is less than 16, consider continuing your path as a home maker.

Five Second Thoughts

An actual conversation that highlights the confused priorities of one of our friends…
“I’m not driving home.”
“Good, because you’re too drunk.”
“True, but I’m not driving home because I have a head light out.”

At Job #1 we keep track of different customer help requests with an online ticket system. When a request has been resolved we have to note the resolution. Why make these dull and drab when they can be exciting? Here are two I submitted today.

• Wandered around campus and gathered make, model, and serial number of various projectors. Also, I watched a squirrel by the BC and I tried to pet him. But he was fast and scampered up a tree before I could even get close. It made me wonder how fast a squirrel is, and whether I really want to eat one after all.
• Her keyboard’s space bar had actually broken. Using a coconut and several konch shells, I fashioned a new keyboard that looks exactly like a Dell SK-8135 keyboard. I had to smelt the copper for the wiring out of a local stone, but I did not include that in the time worked.

Restaurants should take advantage of the Scratch and Sniff menus I’ve invented.

Mashed Potato and Gravy ice cream is the second worst idea ever.

I loaned Willis a refrigerator last semester. It kept freezing his milk. In order to have enough milk thawed out to eat his morning bowl of cereal, he had to take the gallon of milk in to the shower with him each morning.

Power Trip: At work there is stamp that has my name on it.

Cause and Effect: Now, there are post-it notes hidden around the office with my name on them.

I finally saw March of the Penguins. It rocked.

I saw “Happy Feet”. The entire movie crew will be put in a dumpster, set on fire, and pushed over a cliff, as soon as I am elected.

“Flammable” and “Inflammable” both mean a material can be ignited. However, people are often confused by the second term thinking it means a material cannot be ignited. The solution: apply common sense. If it can’t explode, we wouldn’t label it with any kind of fire warning.

Title IX ensures that an equal number of sports opportunities are offered for both men and women at universities. What about a Title IX for nerds and geeks? Where is our legal entitlement to not always be chosen last when playing dodge ball? Where is our Chess team, our Monty Python Re-enactment team, awkward junior-high style dance team, and our vague-Simpsons Reference team?

Ask me about my sexy parties.

I bet Bob Barker kicks ass at grocery shopping.

Remember, the Mafia always goes in through the kitchen.

A sign on campus says “Give priority to people with wheel chairs.” But people always get upset when I tell them I have a wheel chair at home.

A subtle psychology joke:
Me: “I’m reading Carl Rogers.”
Susan: “So, you enjoy reading Carl Rogers?”

Quote:
“You can say you love children. But its creepy if you’re specific. I love twelve year olds.” - Demetri Martin

Note: Being a great fan of stand up comedy, I had the pleasure of seeing Demetri Martin open for the Format and Guster several weeks ago. He rocked.

Something Under the Porch is Drooling

I started to write this post about graduation, my plans for the summer, the 4 day trip I took to Estes Park, Colorado with my mother, how flat Kansas is, how great I am, etc… But then one of my sisters called and told me a story. A much more interesting story…

A few nights ago my sister Rebecca had called my sister Elizabeth. Beth’s husband, being a true Irishman, had been drinking a beer on the back porch. A few cop cars went through the neighborhood with their lights on and a police helicopter had been circling around spot lighting various dark corners and backyards. Things like that happen in a city.

The ‘copter shone its ligt on Eddie and moved on. As it moved he noticed someone jump the fence in to their backyard. He walked back in the house (locked the door), noticed the person hide under the porch, took the phone from Beth, hung up on Rebeeca, and said “Call 911.”

911, having nothing better to do, put Beth on hold. While she listened to the “Thank you for calling. Your emergency is important to us,” Eddie flagged down a passing cop car and told them about the guy. They drew their guns and followed him to the back porch. At which point Eddie went back inside.

A small squadron of Policemen ended up in the backyard pulling the guy out from under the porch. They had been pursuing him for his part in a car jacking that occurred a short time ealier. Apparently the criminals had all bailed out, and he had the unfortunate luck of meeting Irish luck.

Girl Scouts’ Crack

Girl Scouts have an important role in the world. No, not a creepy pedophile target role, but rather that of distributing the most addictive things that aren’t illegal drugs - The ever addictive Girl Scout Cookie. Specifically the Samoa.

If God snacked during the seven days of creation, He ate Samoas (not Samoans). Coconut + Oatmeal + Chocolate = Orgasmic cookie. The cookies are “O” shaped to match the “O” face you get from eating them. Last night at the grocery store Laura and I discovered that Edy’s Ice Cream (yea, we’d never heard of them either but who cares) makes Samoa Ice Cream.

This makes me delighted. Not only can I eat Samoas, I can now take it intervenously. Some people choose to be buried. Some people choose to be frozen. When I die, cryogenically freeze me in Samoa ice cream.

Quote: “I say you’re about two seconds away from cutting your fucking ear off. Bravo.” - Christopher (good friend and cynic)

Note: Faithful readers and commentors, I will return the comments left over the last few posts as soon as finals are over.

The Curious Incident of the Squirrel and my Sandal

Last week as Kevin, Michael, and I walked back to the architecture building a squirrel busied himself digging for nuts, gold, compliments, lost teeth, or whatever it is squirrels dig for these days. He was about 1 1/2 feet from the sidewalk. As we strolled along he looked up and observed us for a moment. Then he got cocky and decided we posed no threat.

As we passed him, at the very moment we were aligned perpindicularly to his fluffiness I put my right foot out and stepped on him. Not hard enough to hurt, but enough to horribly scare him. He jumped straight up about 3 feet, landed, ran behind the nearest tree (5 feet away) and stared at me. I’ve never seen an animal genuinely express fear, disgust, and general pissed-offed-ness, but he did. (I can do an excellent impression of his reaction.)

He didn’t find it as funny as Kevin, Michael, and I did. But I think when the squirrel looks back on it later he’ll find it funny. In the mean time, if I am severely injured in an acorn related accident - you know why.

Mushroom Cloud Laying President

Since the ghastly being known as President Schmidly (he is as repulsive as his last name) has departed from OSU to take the reigns at New Mexico, I think the student body should push for a new type of college president. We need a president that other Universities will fear. One whose voice could be heard over the cword during a sold out game at Gallahger Iba arena (probably the loudest arena in the nation). Therefore, I hereby nominate Samuel L. Jackson.

With Sam, everything would be more bad ass. Whenever he walked across campus the theme song from Shaft could play. And instead of crappy awards like this…

We’d get ones likes this…

My Ear!

Japanese Garden, oil on canvas

Both of my grandmothers used to oil paint, and over Christmas break I laid claim to their old supplies. I ended up with 2 large tackle boxes of oil paints, at least 40 different brushes, and a wide range of canvases (from 10×12s to 40×40s). A few weekends ago I finally took the time to paint. I haven’t painted in at least seven years, so I considered this my first genuine foray in to oil painting. Now my world is a blur of turpentine induced confusion (which is better than induced labor).

Photograph I painted from

I didn’t try any fancy techniques, such as dry point or Jackson Pollock’s patented Puke-on-Canvas, but I did know exactly how I wanted my painting to look. I wanted to focus on the forms and colors, not the details, so I painted with my glasses off (enter an out-of-focus blurry world of turpentine induced confusion), which means the painting is of an out-of-focus photograph. I did this because my art teacher used to say things such as “Seth, I don’t need to be able to count every damn leaf on the tree.”