Before I get to the main point today, I’d like to diverge from the path a little. Two of my friends and I have have started culling the best sentences from our conversations to use as future book titles. We feel these titles write the books…

• Dirty Centaur Novels
• He Reads Porn to His Mother
• Perfectly Appropriate Corndog

However, my personal favorite book title is the children’s book “ The Invisible Child-Eating Crocodiles That Live Absolutely Everywhere.”

When I read about Crocodiles, I think of sharp teeth and great weather. Speaking of which (smooth transition), the weather in Oklahoma has been top notch. Monday the temperature almost hit 70, and the rest of the week it has been in the 60s.

Beautiful weather is a great time for adventures, and so I woke up and got to work on securing my chance for adventure…

This is why you should never throw away cardboard boxes or architecture supplies. If you’re a paraplegic, I apologize for rubbing in my abilities to stand.

This kind of Sharpie is too small to huff but perfect for making circles.

Cap one end of the non-pipebomb object.

Make a bad ass duct tape shoulder strap. This can be a bit difficult, because I laid to pieces of duct tape sticky side to sticky side. And getting them to line up is troublesome. Men, be sure to put your t-shirt on if you have chest hair. I almost had an unfortunate accident.

Prep your favorite kite.

Viola: Kite Quiver for the win!

I like the Samurai look here. Even Samurais have toilets.

Now, if you excuse me, there is a great breeze outside and I have a kite to fly.

1. Han shot first.
2. Conan created Huckabee.
3. It is not fair for the blind to not let us pet their seeing-eye dogs.
4. Only cross alligator infested waters during the height of afternoon, at the narrowest point of the river, after watching the river for at least one hour.
5. The Bible needed more giant manga Robots.
6. When Nancy Grace and Barbara Streisand mate in 2012 the Universe will end.
7. Tom Jone’s best song is Sex Bomb.
8. Bourne Ultimatum sucked.
9. If Lucas ruins the new Indian Jones, he will be sacraficed to the Grace+Streisand Love Child/Best.
10. Men reading fashion magazines. Oh, what a world we live in.

We all need a few moments of immature fun.

* A link for those of you not familiar with the terminology.

At OSU I serve on the Student Union Activites Board. For putting together an excellent evening of bluegrass at the union the board gave me the honor of Member of the Month and a gift card to the OSU Student Store. As misleading as the name is, you can’t purchase students there, but you can buy a broad array of paraphernalia (where the hell did the ‘r’ in the word come from?) colored hunting safety orange.

I’ve attended OSU for much too long, and in all that time I’ve never actually paid legal tender for OSU merchandise. I found myself with a few minutes to spare today, so I wandered in to browse the selection of items that are $35.00 with tax. For some reason most of the men’s clothing starts at size medium, but I really need smalls (because of my toned, athletic figure… yea). If I’m going to purchase a large hoodie, I might as well save the money and get a nice sleeping bag. They both fit me the same.

After a bit of searching I found a hoodie that looked good and appeared to be the appropriate size. I lifted it off the rack, looked up, and discovered that I’d browsed in to the women’s section of the store - a major taboo for those of us with testosterone. In a sea of ambiguous orange shirts, no one would ever have known my mistake, except someone decided to put a sign up that I had decided to stand under. There might as well have been one of those big collegiate sports foam fingers pointing at me.

I know it didn’t matter. But for some reason it mattered to me. So I put the hoodie back and then proceeded to spend fifteen minutes browsing random parts of the store in order to save my manhood. Hats, vanity license plates, (i skipped the tempting makeup counter), golf tees, etc… That way when I left no one would say “I think that guy wanted to buy a women’s shirt.”

I blame the GAP. When I was in junior high I walked in to a gap with my sister and they greeted us as “Hi, Girls!… Oh.. girl and her sister… yea. We knew that.”

Note: I’m playing with a lot of settings to try and make the site a bit better (using more of the page space, uniform headings, etc…). Let me know what you do or don’t like.

Note 2: Since I purchased my cellphone about 3 years ago, I’ve never emptied the photographs off it. So, I’ve decided to start uploading a photograph a day from the cellphone. It will last me 134 days even if I don’t take another picture. The camera doesn’t always take the sharpest pictures, but the photos still tend to be good.

Before You Get to the Good Stuff

I feel that over time Xanga, which is already a pretty closed community, has become even more closed off. In the spirit of introducing people to people and such, I’ve added blog rings and a list of blogs I read to the left hand side of the page. What is the point of a community if I separate myself from it?

Cleaning Out the Closet

I have an e-mail folder called “(to blog about)”. The first e-mail inside of it is marked April 27th of 2006. Oddly enough, I’ve never blogged about the contents of the folder though. Now, in a moment of inspiration, ingenuity, and spare time I present to you my version of going through e-mails that I sent myself (though there are some e-mails from other people). Perhaps I should form my own fan club.

Exhibit #1 - E-mail from Laura, July 2nd, 2007.

“I just read the top story on CNN about the car bombs in London and Scotland.
The first of the attached pictures accompanied the story on CNN.
The second of the attached pictures is who I suspect they are arresting in the first picture.”

Shocking, isn’t it?”

Exhibit #2 - E-mail from Laura, December 17th, 2007

“I thought this was very us.”

Note: Our moments of absurdity include, but are not limited to:

1. Debating whether one chair constitutes a row.
2. Debating whether, when you spoon, the legs are the handle or the waist up is the handle.

Exhibit #3 - E-mail from Jeff, January 2nd, 2008

“Per my roommate’s conversation with her brother (which made me think that this is something Laura’s brother would say):

‘Life plan #2: roam the Earth with a speargun and flatulate with women. But he meant fornicate.’”

Exhibit #4 - E-mail from Me to Laura, December 12th, 2007

“And can we have 129 cats?”

Exhibit #5 - An unfortunate shortening of a key word in my bookmarks.

Exhibit #6 - Discovery of Humor

The IRS does have a sense of humor.
Note: The original page hosted on the official IRS website has been removed due to an internal audit of humor, so that is a link to an archive.

Exhibit #7 - Random Fact

On the topic of the furry animals I’d like to pet again (I got to pet penguins one time)… Happy Feet.

“The cartoon, revolving around singing and dancing emperor penguins, was directed by Australian filmmaker George Miller, the producer of the Babe and Mad Max films. Warner Bros split the costs equally on the $US100 million project with Australian entertainment company Village Roadshow, and the two will share any profits.

Exhibit #8 - You and the Horse You Rode In On

“A drunk German horse rider rode into a bank foyer to sleep for the night, after having one too many for the road during a stopover at his local beergarden. Wolfgang Heinrich, 40, from the German town Wiesenburg, had been riding with his Haflinger horse Sammy when he stopped to have a drink with friends. But when he left the pub he realised he was too drunk to ride all the way home - and because it was cold, he decided to use his bank card to open up a nearby bank foyer and take himself and Sammy inside to sleep it off.” ( source)

Note: I think this might be how the invasion of Poland looked.

Barthesian Update

On the show Little People, Big World. When interviewing the Little Peope, does the film crew use short tripods or do they lift the Little People on to stools?

I had turkey for lunch. My brother-in-law slipped this afternoon and suffered spiral fractures of his tibia and fibia above the ankle. The two events are unrelated.

Have you ever been given an Indian arm burn? Well, keep twisting until the bones break, but now do it to your leg. When you hear a cracking sound and feel intense pain, you’ve done it right.

I replaced my Gillette Mach 3 (mach 3 = 1 020.87 m/s) Razor with the 5 blades of the Gillette Fusion Power. It has five blades and vibrates. I suggest this be the new ad campaign.

It seems strange that I still receive grades at this point in life. At least I’ll be genuinely done with college in May. In Non-fiction literature I received a note in the margin of the last assignment that said “I enjoy your conscious artistry.”

For Lent, I’m giving up Lent and being Jamaican. Nooo more steel drum for at least thirty days, man.

Even Robots Floss.

Valtrex is a drug that helps control Genital Herpes out breaks. In the commercial it says (to paraphrase): to tell your doctor if you have immune problems due to advanced HIV. If you have HIV, I’d presume that.

1. You shouldn’t be having sex (most likely).
2. If your partner isn’t worried about your full-blown HIV, then why worry about genital herpes?

Genital Herpes is also known as Jeff Clark’s Disease. Gentile Herpes are completely different and quite rare.

Remember that time Heath Ledger killed himself.

My new profile picture is inspired by shotguns. See, I found a double pretzel that looked like a double barrel shotgun. Shotguns are the best weapon in the world. Even in futuristic movies when the technology to make gigantic robots and lasers the size of how much I hate radio DJs, they still use shotguns.

On which day did God create the envelope glue that tastes good? That day was probably a good one in His book. It rocked the caspa.

Chess Joke: That rocked the Kasparov.

Stephen Hawking had a few good ideas. But when I picked up A Brief History of Time, I about puked from the stupidity.

This semester, we’re reading an amazing selection of books. Barthes reminds me of my randomness.