This morning I watched a show on the Discovery channel that discussed whether or not ancient monuments of mankind had been built with alien technology. It is called the “ancient astronaut theory.” The argument is that ancient man couldn’t possibly have been intelligent enough to construct monuments, such as the great pyramids, without an almost divine intervention.

I’d like to point out a few things.

1. Simple fact: Ancient man kicked ass at stacking things, because they had nothing else to do. When given the choice of hunting dangerous wild animals or staying inside and stacking various cave objects, 9 out of 10 cavemen pick stacking. It was the only pastime for the entire planet and it had greater popularity than cricket and soccer combined.
2. Ancient monuments are lame. They are just stones stacked on top of stones. You don’t need calculus to make a pyramid.
3. The people and scientists who debate these theories typically have no first-hand knowledge of living outdoors or construction. They don’t look qualified to work at a McDonald’s drive through. Their wardrobes seem to be exclusively from Good Will.
4. Aliens with the knowledge and technology to master interstellar space travel have better things to do than teach cavemen how to stack blocks of rock. They have bar mitzvahs to attend, meetings to complete large interstellar corporate mergers, and uprisings to quell with death rays.

Charlie: “Behold, Earthlings! We have brought you a great technology! With our guidance, you will now be able to stack objects on top of each other. We call this technology Steven.”
Jim: “Remember when we traveled all the way to Alpha Centauri, and those ass holes already knew how to Steven?”
Charlie: “We wasted so much cubic-neurohyrdoxidium energy warp crystals getting there!”
Jim: “And then we arrived late to Elijah’s bar mitzvah on Intergalactican-9!”

Side note: The semester is winding down. Work is busy, and I’ve a long list of assignments to finish for classes. The two-week hiatus was unavoidable for the most part.

Charlie and Jim are the two most popular intergallactic Jewish names.

In my Film as Literature class, I always rest my feet in that little gap between the seats in the next row. It is a way comfortable to sit and it makes up for the fact that I sit at a desk for left-handed people. Sure, there are free right-handed seats, but I enjoy denying left-handed people the comfort of sitting at a desk made for them. Sometimes when I’m angry, I take a left-handed desk put it in a handicap parking spot and just sit at it for hours. Yea, don’t get cocky with me you left-handed/handicap people. Or maybe I sit in a left-handed desk because Miles won’t scoot down a seat.

Anyways, I digress. Sitting with my feet propped up and spread slightly apart while I relax back is a dilemma, because it feels great but is a bit too stirrup-like for my comfort as male. But I’m slightly addicted to it now. I can’t sit through class without striking this pose.

My fear is that when I graduate in May there’ll be some innate longing, addiction, or uncontrollable desire to still assume this position. But what if I can’t find anything as comfortable, and I’m forced, in the climax of a nervous break down of discomfort, to purchase an examining table? This will cause three major problems.

First, I’ll have to find at least $695 to purchase an examination table with stirrups (see the Jameson Medical page). That doesn’t include all the bells and whistles. If I want a half-shelf and drawers, I’ll need to fork over an additional $739. Thankfully, the shipping is free. Right there, I’m going to have to blow more than my entire $600 tax-rebate-stimulate-the-economy.

Second, I’ll have to re-arrange my living room, because those damn tables are big. And I doubt friends are going to want to watch movies at my place if they have to see me in front of them with my legs in stirrups for an entire movie. Having a Wii and an X-Box 360 will buy some patience, but unless there is a keg on the back of the table, friends aren’t going to tolerate it.

Third, I’ll have to purchase a custom-made laser engraved plaque that explains why I own an examination table and hang in at entrance to my abode. A small one costs $55.00. One with this entire post on it is going to cost a fortune.

Enough of my worries though.

Before Spring Break, in Film as Lit class we watched the music video “Straight outta Compton” by the famous NWA. There aren’t many classes that can lay such claim to fame, and even more startling is that we watched the video in Oklahoma, the middle of the Bible belt.

Watching the NWA crew roll through the streets of Compton reminded everyone in class of life in Oklahoma. Everyone knows how tough life in a small rural Oklahoma farm town can be. Shit, sometimes the school bus didn’t arrive on time to our three-story secluded country house over looking a beautiful lake, and I had to wait an extra ten minutes. I remember days when my braces hurt and my mom still picked me up from school to take me to trumpet lessons. And once, I made a below average grade on a Geometry test. If I ever meet Euclid, I hope he forgives me.

The video reminded me of my ambitions to be a rap artist. Then a friend introduced me to a great video. In fact, the video is so entertaining and accurate, I don’t have to become the next great rap artist any more.

A Review of Marie Antoinette - aka That Movies that Sucks More Than Death -

The entire movie revolved around dozens of actors and no acting - a risky idea in movies. After watching the movie, you understand why the French made guillotines. The lack of acting explains why Kirsten Dunst starred in it. The lack of acting is thankfully accompanied by a lack of dialog. There seemed to be 25 lines of dialog, half of which are Jason Schwartzman avoiding sex with Kirsten because he’d rather talk about the history of locks in a non-euphemistic way.

The soundtrack, though potentially interesting, made the movie worse. There isn’t much of a plot.. or any excitement. The most exciting event in the movie is when Laura spotted a pair of light blue converse in the background of a scene, and we re-watched the scene so I could say the movie wasn’t a complete waste of time. Of the entire movie, the costumes are the only interesting part.

Not only does the movie lack dialog, acting, plot, excitement, or directing, the damn thing is 2 hours long. The Titanic almost sank quicker than this movie is long. It began sinking at 11:40pm and finished a bit after 2:00am. After starting the movie, I had the divine foresight to turn on the subtitles and fast-forward through the remaining 90 minutes. I’m going to buy the DVD, break it in to sharp shards, mail them to Sophia Coppola, and insist she insert each piece rectally while lighting herself on fire at a gun-powder munitions plant.

The movie is the equivalent of suicide for two hours. Don’t waste your time on this movie, because you can re-enact it at home.

To duplicate half the shots in the movie -
Line your shoes up on the kitchen counter and run by them several times.

To duplicate the other half of the shots in the movie -
Put on your nicest outfit. Place a mirror in your closet. Open the closet and stare at yourself and your clothing for five minutes.

To duplicate the dialog -
Read the first 200 numbers of Pi in a monotone voice. Or read random ads from the yellow pages, but only the boring ads.

To duplicate the pain of wasting two-hours of life -
Gave a friend repeatedly hit you in the face with a heavy cast-iron frying pan.

In no particular order, here is my movie list for Spring Break:

• Bullit
• Back to the Future
• 3:10 to Yuma
• Bee Movie
• No Country for Old Men - Excellent.
• Atonement
• Gone Baby Gone
• American Gangster - Solid story. Not very much action.
• Perfume
• Michael Clayton
• Assassination of Jesse James by Ben Affleck’s Brother
• In the Valley of Elah
• Last King of Scotland
• There Will Be Blood
• Into the Wild
• La vie en Rose
• Transformers
• The Blood of Yingzhou District
• An Inconvenient Truth
• Sicko
• Crash
• King Kong
• Syrianna
• Memoirs of a Gisha
• The Secretary - One of the strangest movies you can watch.
• Delicatessen
• Naked City
• The Inside Man
• Venus
• Volver
• The Queen
• Pans Labyrinth
• Marie Antoinette - Don’t bother.
• Days of Heaven
• Glimpse of the Garden
• North by Northwest
• Touch of Evil
• Magnolia
• I Am Cuba
• 12 Angry Men
• Carlitos Way
• The Passenger
• Satantango
• Brazil
• Strange Days
• Serenity
• Elephant
• Nostalgia
• Irreversible
• Werckmeister Haromonis
• Frenzy

I don’t like peanut butter and I don’t like to drink from plastic containers. Plastic bottles feel unhealthy to my body. Besides, plastics leak chemicals in to your drinks, and filling your body with toxins is a gross hobby that we should avoid. To lead a more plastic free life, I rinsed out a wine bottle Laura and I had finished, and I’ve been drinking water from it.

I drink more water this way (it seems more fresh), I can keep the bottle beside my computers and not worry about it spilling, and drinking from a bottle is more emotionally expressive. For example, I can drink in a gingerly fashion, romantically pour a glass of water for Laura, take a violent swig, or walk around looking like a wino. And if the water turns in to wine, then I’m ready to party right then and there! In other words, I’m well prepared. It is even better than having a tuxedo t-shirt. Trust me. When you carry a wine bottle around, no one asks you to take on tasks of responsibility.

Friday afternoon I begin Spring Break. It won’t be a descent in to a world of beaches and booze, but it will be a descent in to a long list of movies (that may or may not be about booze) that I’ve been longing to see or re-watch. There are 53 movies on my list, and I plan to watch at least two a day. Here are the first seven I plan on seeing. I’ll post the rest of the list this weekend.

1. No Country for Old Men
2. The Man Who Shot Liberty Vance
3. 12 Angry Men
4. Back to the Future
5. Touch of Evil
6. Elephant
7. American Gangster

Speaking of gangsters, if you’ve never heard of the Flight of the Conchords, you need to. Oh, I learned that it is correct to end sentences with a preposition if the sentences does not carry the same meaning without the preposition. “Where are you at?” is incorrect. “Where are you?” is correct. Anyways, in case you ever decided to get in a fight with a New Zealand gangster, you should know a lot about prepositions and what you’re stepping in to in advance.

Everyone enjoys a good laugh. Rest homes, a great source of gullible people waiting for a good joke, are an untapped storehouse of potential laughs. In order to play this joke on some unsuspecting old timer, you’ll need a few things in preparation.

• A good pen-pal in Mexico (Juan comes highly recommended).
• The name of a person at a rest home (Perhaps Esther).
• The names of that person’s children (Jim and Nancy).

Have Juan include a blank postcard with a picture of a beautiful beach in his next letter to you. When you receive the letter, throw it aside and write the following on the postcard.

“Dear Esther,

This letter has been a long time in the making. I’m not sure if you do or don’t remember me at this point, but that is neither here nor there. I should feel guilty, and I’m sure Jim and Nancy will hate me forever. I have no doubt that you were never going to be able to use that money, and the idea of the kids spending the money made me sick to my stomach.”

Mail the postcard back to Mexico in a letter and have Juan mail the postcard to America. The card will arrive, and the next time Jim and Nancy are visiting their dear old mother, they’ll see the postcard and they will all laugh until they pee their pants (Esther until she pees her pants again).

Today has been one of those days. You’ve had the same kind of day before. The kind where you sit down and can’t remember which motor pathway first synapses in the red nucleus of the midbrain. Was it the ventromedial cortico-brainstem-spinal tract or the dorsolateral corticorubrospinal tract? One of the few things that is better than a neurobiological psychology test on a gorgeous day is a Fatboy Slim video that features kittens.

I take every chance I can to have fun, which is why the margins of my neuro psych class notes feature a lot of cartoons. Yes, I draw cartoons about glutamate, mylinated axons, and more. I’m like the non-engineering version of XKCD.

Fact: I used to play trumpet and piano.

Fact: Dry spaghetti is an awesome snack.

On a slow day of classes last Thursday, I discovered the following…

Boredom + Pen + Ripped Pants = Art.
People kept asking me why I had drawn on my pants. As though the gigantic holes in both knees had made it okay to draw on them. The key to drawing on your pants is to draw big and not to focus on detail. Imply the detail.

My friend Mary is finishing her chemical engineering cap stone project, and she encounted something strange. Her research generated a document that exceeded the largest allowable size of a single Microsoft Word document. To give you an idea of how large the document must have been…

1. She previously loaded a document that exceeded 20,000 (yes, twenty thousand) pages without any problems.
2. Microsoft does not list an official page limit for Office documents.

Oh, in odd news I found a box of unclaimed chocolate covered raisins in the kitchen about twenty minutes ago. I ‘m delighted to report they were delicious. They tasted even better than the dry spaghetti mentioned earlier. Whenever I see the word spaghetti, I think of the serengeti. Then I spend time wondering why Zebras aren’t made of pasta and stuffed with that cheese found in the middle of tortellini. Is Africa a geological wonder of Italian cuisine?

On the other hand, maybe Zebras are made of pasta. And if Lions love cheese and massive amounts of carbohydrates, then it explains why they eat so many damn zebras. Poor edible pasta Zebras. They are for whom the bell tolls!

Even to me this has seemed a random, strange, and odd post.

Laura’s closest friends are all getting married this year, which means we’re going to spend another spring + summer attending a countless number of weddings. We’ve attended enough weddings that we qualify as justices of the peace on legal grounds in most states. There needs to be a punch card system and when you attend a wedding the minister asks for your card, and he hole punches it. After you collect 20 punches, you can perform weddings.

The Bride (Kimberly) and her husband don’t cook. So Laura gave them a box of recipes. She asked me to write a few recipes, which I did. Then, when Laura didn’t suspect anything I slipped the following recipe in to the desserts section.

Afternoon Delight

• Bottle of Wine
• Dim lighting
• Marvin Gaye or Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits CD
• Directions: Mix and let simmer.

This is funny because her friends are very conservative about intimate/personal things. They’re not even in to swinging, and they all refused the subscriptions to the Oklahoma’s Country Living and BDSM magazine.

Because I knew Laura might remove the recipe, I didn’t tell her about it until we were standing in the food line at the reception. At which point I started laughing hard, and she became suspicious. Since the mountain of gifts stood by the food and the guests in line, Laura could do nothing, unless she chose to look like a crazy woman rummaging through and opening gifts.

Yes, I caught the garter. With my teeth. Then I did the Napoleon Dynamite Dance. Well, I caught it in my hand and then wore it over my slacks about midway up my thigh. In my defense, they are lacy and feel nice…. wait. The only other bachelor man enough to oppose me in the line up for the catch was a 14 year old kid. When this is the case, put on a serious face, look at the kid, and say…

You: “Want to eat candy in my van?”
Then lock him in the van, run back in, and catch the garter.

Or say what I said…

Me: “They’re going to have an awesome picture of me shoving you out of the way really hard.”
Kid: “What!?”

Perhaps I can build a career as a famous garter catcher / pusher-over of children. In case I can’t build an esteemed career in that area, Sunday I applied for 5 positions at the ever famous Google.

I write the best damn cover letters ever. This is the final paragraph…

“Since my resume explains my job experience in further detail, I’ll finish this letter with something more personal. I love to travel and have spent time in nine countries across Europe and Asia and have spent over six months in Europe. I am a master of Legos as well as MLA and APA writing styles, find technical writing rewarding (I’m not exaggerating), and find statistics a breeze. I enjoy reading Calvin and Hobbes, Kurt Vonnegut, right-skewed distributions, and Thoreau. I spend my free time oil painting, dabbling in humorous writing, listening to stand-up comedy, and resisting the temptation to adopt a border collie.”

It is great that everyone enjoyed the Lego adventures of the last post. I hope this post will be as well received, It is difficult to follow up a top notch post. Today I’m going to introduce you to a new type of chart: the Daniel Likert-Type Scale.

In my Film as Literature class, there is a student named Daniel (who looks like Peter Griffin). He contributes to the class discussions but uses the word “like” as though the existence of mankind depends on it. If you scored as much as he said “like” then you’d be the dirtiest whore on the planet. Even dirtier than Alex Trebbek’s mother or Stephen Hawking.

Let history hereby note, that I was the first person to call Stephen Hawking out on being a dirty whore. I digress. I’ve been keeping track of the number of times he responds in class (the red bars) to the number of times he uses the word “like” each day (blue bars).

Yes, he did say like 123 times in one class.

On average, he says the word Like 11.4 times for each response. His record high is using the word 28 times in one response. He has also perfected the use of the double and triple like (which may be patented moves - i’m not sure): “you know, like, like, like…”

Half of being a genius is knowing how to state your ideas with clarity. It isn’t “E equals, like, MC, like like squared.” It isn’t “Like, four scores and seven years ago, like, our forefathers, like….” If Lincoln had said “like” that much, someone would have shot him for it…

And now three random stories/thoughts

1.) About a month ago while hanging out with a friend he said “Call my cell phone. You have to hear my new ring tone.” I obliged him only to discover he had chosen ” Riding Dirty” as the ring tone. “Wow, that is awesome. Two years ago.” I’d equate it to being asked to play a game, only to discover the game is Russian Roulette.

2.) YouTube is incredibly popular, and that is why my new invention will be a wild success: The YouTuberus. It is a uteran device that allows children in the womb to watch YouTube.

3.) Last weekend Laura and I made a late appearance to our friend Nick’s party. When we arrived the party had entered the final stages of winding down. I was hungry, and Jennifer (Nick’s wife) gave me a package of Shortbread Girl Scout cookies from their pantry. I took the cookies outside and started offering them to people.

And the people loved me! “Wow, you brought Girl Scout cookes!”, “You’re a saint!”, “Seth, you’re the best!” I tried to dispel the myth and say that the cookies were Jennifer’s, but no one cared. When people want to give you the glory, let them. And I did. It reminded me of Shakespeare’s great Ghostbusters Quote “Ray, when someone asks if you’re a god, you say Yes!” - Winston Zeddermore. Jennifer even played a long and insisted that “They aren’t mine. He brought them. He is that great of a guy.”

Wednesday at work I walk in to Nick’s office and as David passes me in the hall he says “There you are! Thanks for showing up and bringing Girl Scout cookies!” Ten years from now people will only remember “That time Seth showed up with Girl scout cookies.”

Update: This is what the current Saints and Robots collection looks like.

The board game will either be Saints vs Robots or Robots protecting each player’s Virgin de Guadalupe from the Priests.

Update 2: I’m not sure who the retard at Amazon that thought typing book titles in all capital letters was a good idea, but I hope he enjoys HELL.

Onwards…

As May continues to approach closer on a daily basis, I’m starting to feel an increased sense of pressure. May 9th signals the official end of my undergraduate college career, which means I must procure a steady influx of legal tender. No longer can I rely on the plasma center as emergency income. No longer can ramen noodles sustain my succulent cravings. No longer will my days start at 10:30am. Let’s start by comparing my education, work experience, and my dream jobs.

Education

• Bachelor’s in University Studies (Architecture + Computer Science) - Go to grad school.
• Bachelor’s in Psychology - Go to grad school or get a teaching certificate.
• Minor in English - Take more English classes. Write Harry Potter fan fiction.

Work Experience

• Technical Support for OSU
• Web / Database Design for OSU

Dream Jobs

• Travel Writing
• Writer for Conan O’Brien
• Project Manager of Video Game Production
• Robot Pilot

The Dream Job list had included “Guy with Briefcase Attached to His Wrist.” After I followed a few good leads, it became apparent that you don’t need a job to do this! Just a briefcase and a pair of handcuffs (total of $28.71 before shipping). If you are going to be handcuffed to a briefcase, fuzzy hand cuffs provide the most comfort and are less likely to contribute to early stages of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

The list also included “That Guy who Drives the Oscar Mayer Weiner Mobile,” but Laura spotted the mobile in Oklahoma City last weekend. The driver appeared to be sober, competent, and in no danger of losing his job.

• University Studies + Psychology + English = I can be rushed to the site of collapsed buildings and then tell you what people thought as they were smothered. Or I can tell you why the building decided to fall down. Then I can write a 7 page paper, double-spaced in either MLA or APA style with appropriate margin widths and statistical analysis about the event.

• Any of my Degrees + IT = “Well look, I already told you! I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don’t have to! I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?” Thanks, Tom Smykowski.
• Travel Background + English + Travel Agent = Travel writer! This is my dream job, but it requires paying for a lot of your own expenses and then selling articles to publications. It is not as easy as it sounds. Though it is possible to achieve, a rich patron willing to sponsor me would make transition much easier. Anyone have a + Wealthy Patron to add on to this?
• Writing for Conan O’Brien - I’ve watched the show since the first episode aired and I have a huge blog of humorous writing to boot! I can remember Air Horn Boy, Pimp Bot, Emergency Guest, and the first interview with Sarah Silverman. I remember when Andy Richter still served as co-host, did art reviews with Conan, and sometimes swung on a swing (very appropriate use of a swing).

Sadly, my degrees don’t match my creative skills. Oh well. I’m not going to worry about things, because Laura let me bring my Legos from home and spill them all over the floor of her spare bedroom. Yes, I have no shame: I like to play with Legos, fly kites, and color with crayolas using my non-dominate hand.

I’m so Fast I Appear Only as a Blur in Photographs Action shot! (You have to read the titles in the appropriate “Monster Truck Madness” announcer voice.)

Behold the catastrophe of Hurricane My-Legos-On-Your-Floor!

Impregnable Castle Power! Store your virgins here!

Hidden Treasure Map at the Top of the Tower Power for the Win!

Chariot of Impending Doom Power! Opposing peasant forces, prepare to eat steel!

Actual conversation…
Laura: “Dinner is ready. Come in here.”
Me: “I’ll be there in a minute. I have to find a piece.”
Laura: “Your mom probably had this conversation a lot, huh?”
Me: “Yes.”

A Toast related conversation…
Laura: “Want me to bring you a piece of toast?”
Me: “Yes.”
Laura: “What do you want on it?”
Me: “Butter. Unless you’re going to have something better that I haven’t though of. Then I want that.”

We’ve passed from February, the month of Love, Black History, and the Chinese Lunar New Year, in to March. I looked up February, and I’m sure you too will be surprised to discover that it is a month packed with events and excitement. Had you realized that February is also…

• Children’s Dental Health Month (Architette, take notice).
• International Friendship Month.
• National Cherry Month.
• National Embroidery Month.
• National Grapefruit Month.
• Nation Snack Food Month.
• National Wild Bird Feeding Month.
• Responsible Pet Owner’s Month.
• Birthdays of: Langston Hughes, Monopoly, Elmo, and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

But March is no let down! It signals college basketball championships, Spring Break, St. Patrick’s Day, and a week full of midterms. And on the exciting side of things, a new month means I get to tack back another month in my coveted Virgin de Guadalupe calendar. I’m not Catholic, but Catholic things tend to track me down (stray cats track me too).

The reason I had interest in this calendar can be traced back to the Wal-Mart in Mustang, Oklahoma (Store #517). After Laura and I purchased a random item from the Mustang Wal-Mart (while we visited her parents for the weekend), we headed to the parking lot, and on the way out we spotted those $0.25 machines that dispense plastic toys. Well, one of the machines dispensed plastic figurines of Saints (because children don’t care what toys are of, as long as they get toys) and another dispensed Robots!

Because I like toys and have the self-restraint of Amy Winehouse in a Columbian cocaine warehouse, I spent the equivalent of a Canadian’s weekly salary and became the proud owner of 2 Robots and 2 Saints. Then it turns out the local Wal-Mart at Stillwater (#4241) has a Saints-dispenser. My collection has expanded over the last month. Laura’s TV, which doubles as the Pride Rock of Saints and Robots, hosts the following assembly…

Side note: we can’t find the robots anymore or there’d be more of them. And the collection of saints is much larger now, but I don’t have a current picture of it. I probably have ten saints in all.

Couple all of this with the fact that I’m in Spanish II and love the phrase “Santa Mierda, Robots!” (Holy Shit, Robots!), it means that when I spotted the Virgin de Guadalupe calendar on sale for $3.00, while I searched for a Valentine’s present for Laura, the purchase had to be made. At some point I’d like to make a board game using the calendar, the Robots, and the Saints.

In finishing, Laura and I had a great Valentine’s day. Here is the card she received (along with a plush Blooregard Q. Kazoo that talks).

Yes, that is the card I gave her.

I’m happy to report that “Operation: Go Fly A Kite” went well. I built the quiver in order to avoid having to walk home to get my kite between classes in the afternoon. Needless to say, a lot of people asked about the strange quiver. Everyone seemed envious of not having their own kite to go fly. The most common comments were “You look like Robin Hood,” and “You put a lot of planning in to this.”

Who doesn’t want to look like Robin Hood? Other than his loafy soft-leather boots of the forest (Agility + 3) and equally loafy first name, Robin is fairly cool. I discovered that you can’t leave class early for any reason when you have a kite with you. “Professor, the kite has nothing to do with that fact that I have to leave class early, on this gorgeous wind swept day.”

That spec above and to the right of the library is my kite.

I’m such a good kitest (yes, i invented that word just now) that I let the kite get to the end of the string. It scared me a little, because the winds were strong and erratic for kite flying, and I didn’t want to loose my Bloo kite.

Before proceeding, I’d like to thank everyone for all the great comments, good humor, and much appreciated traffic. It has been a while since I had a regular blogging habit, and it feels good to be back in stride. And for new readers, you’ll quickly note that my posts tend be a bit random.

I live in an old fraternity house with 22 guys that is known as the “Jesus House,” because it is in part sponsored by a few local churches. According to the behavior of my housemates, to be a good Christian you need an acoustic guitar. No guitar = No Heaven. And if you’re a serious Christian you need a guitar and a bongo drum. Guitar + Bongo = Better Heaven.

At any hour there is someone playing guitar and singing a song with an endless number of verses. The musical theory behind modern Christian music is that the best songs are at least 52 verses and have only five words, two of which must be God and Love. I like the zeal and spirit of the people living here, but it can be a bit wearing.

I also find armrest covers a bit wearing. They serve no genuine purpose other than to fall of the sofa or armchair. Often they have itchy stitching. These should be banned.

If you like Pandora, then you’ll like Seeqpod even more, which also features music videos and playlists. It is Pandora evolved, but without as smooth a user-interface.

Buffalo should receive reparations from both Indians and the US Government.

Not long ago as I waited for Laura in the Library a girl walked up and said…
Girl: “This is weird….”
Me: (I’m starting to run through weird questions she is about to ask)
Girl: “…But can I use your cell phone?”
Me: “I’d been thinking more along the lines of ‘there is a pickle in my backpack, could you get it out for me?’.”

Remember that nothing is more random than a pickle in a social situation.

In a game of Apples to Apples, when asked to defend “Why is cheese cleaner than AIDS?” I responded “Which would you rather eat?” It isn’t that nothing is sacred in my world, but rather I don’t want to lose board games to stupid answers.